When we lose a friend or family member it is always difficult and hard to accept. But when you lost them because of something that could have been prevented its even more difficult.
This week we said goodbye to a friend who was just the nicest, most compassionate, most optimistic person I had probably ever met. I didn't really appreciate at the time her skill of seeing the best in every situation and every person she met. I don't think I ever heard her say a bad word about anyone? I even saw her cry because of things people had said or done to her but still don't recall her ever speaking badly of them.
She always smiled. She always had time for everyone, she always greeted you as if it had been years since you had last spoken. She was interested in everyone and everything and really proud of everyones achievements no matter how small they were.
I'm not sure if any of us really appreciated what a good heart she had. I think we just knew her that way and so.....not took it for granted? As no one had a bad word to say about her either, but probably didn't tell her enough how much she meant to everyone and how she made them feel. I wonder if in church this week she saw the impact her loss has had on everyone.
The biggest feeling on that day wasn't just the loss we feel but...could we have done more? Should we have done more?
She was battling with demons which we were all aware of, and one by one tried and failed to help. But did we try enough? Had we realised how far into this she really was?
We all tried and failed to keep in touch when she began withdrawing from everyone. She would respond to texts, and social network but even that trailed off eventually apart from a select few and her family. But were even they aware of how bad she really was?
We all knew she was unwell but didn't realise how unwell, and I doubt even she realised how bad she had gotten.
Soon texts went unanswered, meetings cancelled, phone calls unanswered and one by one we each felt it was us she was avoiding or had no interest in keeping in touch with so gave up. Lives are so busy and I guess people don't have time to keep chasing people that don't want to keep in touch.
We then all got the fateful message that she did not have long. That she was losing her battle with her demons and just the realisation that now there was really nothing we could do now.
We will always wonder if we let her down. Always. I don't think we'll ever not think about what we could and should have done, about her, about the loss, about the waste, about her family left behind, and how we had let months or years in some cases go by without trying to do something to stay in touch.
We let her descend into the darkness she had found herself in. We left her to her demons as we felt she didn't want our help, and perhaps felt she didn't want to stop or help herself? But who are we to decide that? Our lives got busy whilst hers spiralled out of control, and now who has to live with the consequences of that?
You cant force someone to stay in touch, and you cant force someone to get better who doesn't want to. but we should have kept trying.
