From the moment I met you I knew you were the one. We clicked instantly and never spent a day apart.
We lunched together, talked on the phone day and night and even at work. I would cook for you, you’d cook for me, we’d watch films together and all the time I knew you were the one for me, you never acknowledged those feelings.
Except for when alcohol was involved of course! Then it got to the point I’d look forward to you having a few drinks so you’d tell me the things I wanted to hear. But sadly the following day you would always complain you remembered nothing.
I watched as you chatted to pretty girls, all the time unable to say anything as we were “best friends”
I would ruin potential relationship after relationship by putting you before them. Whenever you called at the drop of a hat I’d be there. I would cancel dates with them to hang out with you. I even got one boyfriend to drop me at your house on the pretence it was a girlfriends house! To me you were perfect. You were everything, and we had a bond no one could break.
You even talked of the bond yourself! And how you’d never have that with anyone else. All these things screamed we were meant to be, yet...we never were?
I was young, naive and was so bowled over by you I didn’t realise I was being treated badly! I would rather spend time with you than anyone else I knew and my long term relationship ended because of that. He had known as soon as we met that it was you I wanted. It was clear for all to see, and even with years behind us, from school onwards, he couldn’t compete with you. No one could.
I would half heartedly go on “dates” as you were doing the same, so as not to seem too keen, or clingy and scare you away. You had me walking on egg shells practically every day for fear I’d say or do something to frighten you off. I believed if I held on in there you would eventually realise what we could have and whisk me off my feet.
Sweet!
As I got older (still in teenage years mind! But late teens) I wised up considerably when years had passed and still no declaration of love (when sober) was made. I had to face the fact I probably was your “soul mate” and we did have a bond. But to you, in a friend way. Not romantically.
So I made a go of it with a guy I’d met and all things changed! You suddenly wanted me after all! Obviously seeing me with someone else riled up inside you some kind of jealousy and what I hoped to be realisation I was the one for you. And kissed me then and there in a packed bar with people you knew would tell him.
Was it staking your claim? Making it clear to all I was in fact yours after all this time of spending practically every day together but under the guise of “friends” For a very short period afterwards you were what I wanted you to be. Mine! But sadly. As I would learn to realise, it wasn’t real.
As soon as any potential competition was now safely out the way, you were no longer interested and back to being “friends” you weren’t “ready” for a relationship, didn’t want to spoil our friendship, didn’t want to hurt me. The usual player lines.
This happened for quite a while. You would date someone, it would go wrong, you’d call me, I would date someone it would go wrong, I would call you. And eventually what was “just friends” became more. After years of waiting. But still not all I wanted it to be. You then tried it on with one of my friends in a nightclub. Not just a friend, a best friend. I didn’t even believe her at first, that’s how blinded I was by you! I believed you over my best friend. Something to this day I regret.
I moved jobs, moved town and decided early twenties was the time to be taken seriously. I wanted you in every way. Not part time, not “friends with benefits” not an ego boost when your latest fling has flung. So I didn’t contact you. At all. No calls, no visits, no nothing. It took a couple of weeks but you must have missed me because you called me and left a voicemail that to this day was the happiest voicemail I’d ever gotten. You’d actually noticed I hadn’t been around. It’s so pathetic to me now how overjoyed I was to have this little bit of acknowledgement from you! And be actually GRATEFUL for it! But I was. If I could have saved it forever I would have. I just played it over and over again. Maybe the wait was over. You’d missed me! And I’d missed you too. You were my best friend, my soul mate, my potential husband as far as I was concerned. There was never a single question in my mind we would be together eventually. You just needed to get your laddish ways out of your system and would come to me when you were ready.
We went for a drink to catch up and it was the best drink I’d had in ages! There was no one else in the world as far as I was concerned except you and I. And I really thought it was the turning point.
Sadly after that drink, we lost touch. I don’t know why, or how. But we did. I used to try calling you but you wouldn’t answer (we didn’t have caller ID in those days either but probably did have 1471!) I eventually gave up. I had to face if you wanted me, you would have found a way to contact me.
I met someone. We hit it off and got quite serious quite quickly but I always thought of you and would send birthday cards, Christmas cards with updates on how things were.
I found out you were in a relationship. It kind of hurt. You’d never been the “relationship kind” hence why we had always remained friends. And you’d got with her very soon after our drink. But I was happy in my own relationship and put it down to that’s how things should be.
Something happened to me that brought my world crashing down when I was too young to really deal with it. And from then my luck seemed to go from bad to worse. A scary health issue, loss of someone close and then the breakdown of my relationship within a few months was enough to make me almost housebound. I just couldn’t believe how my life had changed so quickly, so drastically and so horribly. So I wrote to tell you about it. And you called me. You were concerned, and it was like again, no time had gone past.
We talked about everything and anything and I realised how much I’d missed you. You were still the one for me. But you had a relationship now, and she did not agree with female friends. You said it’s because she knew the bond we had. And at the time I believed you. She knew we had a past and was not happy with any “ex’s” hanging around, although technically I wasn’t an ex. You’d managed to duck out of ever being my boyfriend.
After that conversation you promised to keep in touch. But didn’t. But being me I called you a few months later. You took down my phone number and turned up at my house. I couldn’t believe it. I was so excited to see you, but looked a mess! You’d turned up out of the blue! And I was just slobbing around at home. I was mortified, and still am at that memory. I only ever wanted you to see me looking perfect!
The following day was my birthday. You asked if we could meet and you’d take me out for the day. I could not have been happier. I cancelled all birthday plans, got up early and got ready for our lunch date. Which never came. Or the call. To tell me you couldn’t make it. I tried you, but no reply. I think I pretty much cried the whole afternoon and evening. How at the age of (23/24) could I be so stupid. I even blamed myself for looking crap when you turned up and that’s why you never came back.
And that’s when I heard that you guys had been having problems. But had sorted them. Again I’d been just an ego boost. And was heartbroken. Again.
You got in touch again about five years ago. I still don’t know why. I was just happy you had. We spent some great days together, went shopping, partying and had an amazing time. Until you vanished. Again. Without a word. There was some cross words from me but you didn’t care. You’d had your relationship break. And maybe because I wasn’t as young and naive as I was and didn’t jump into bed with you, you didn’t see the point of hanging around!
We saw each other now and again after that. But I pretended to have not seen you. Every time I see you my heart flutters and my stomach fills with butterflies. I go dizzy and worry I’ll either be sick or pass out. No one else has that effect.
You got in touch again about three years ago. Via the wonderful world of social networking. I didn’t believe at first it was you. But it was. You said how you drive past my house often and consider knocking on the door, you thought about me all the time, you thought about me whilst travelling, and I (cautiously) lapped it all up. Didn’t dare ask myself why if you’d felt so strongly you hadn’t got in touch. I was just happy to have you back in my life again. And felt happy my patience had paid off because I knew EVENTUALLY we were meant to be. And this was the time.
You were newly single. You wanted to meet up all the time, I couldn’t have been happier. Gone were years of wondering what had happened, why hadn’t you been in touch, why her not me? When we’d had such a “bond” I just thought that you’d got your senses back and realised it was me you were meant to be with after all. To me there had never been any question that we would end up together. And I was sure this was it. But cautious. And took it very slowly. Obviously too slowly!
We went on proper dates, something we’d never done before. And I tried to ignore the fact you always told your ex every time you were seeing me. Knowing the reaction you would get. I’m assuming she made you feel as bad as you make me feel. And who get a rise out of her but me. Sadly I realise that’s the only reason you had for contacting me. You wanted a reaction from her. You were hurting, and didn’t care how it would hurt me.
You talked of our bond, we talked about the past, we talked about relationships, and travelling the world and places we’d seen, and you talked of a new recent relationship that wasn’t to be and you realised that now.
But then the L word came up. And you seemed genuinely surprised that I had felt that way about you? In your memory you seem to think you hadn’t know how I felt? But looking back now. I know you did. How else did you know no matter what I would always be there for you to pick up the pieces? To be your backup plan when relationships went wrong? How else would you dare pick me up and drop me the amount of times you have over the years if you hadn’t know I felt that way about you?
After our discussion of the L word, you predictably vanished once more. You were confused, and apparently me telling you how I’d felt all those years ago had confused you more. You needed a break from relationships after your break up, and that was understandable. And as much as I wanted to be there for you, mainly for my own selfish reasons, I couldn’t be a stop gap or a bit of fun. I could be your friend, or I could be your girlfriend. I could not be your friend with benefits. And I couldn’t risk being that.
So you vanished. I didn’t hear a word after hearing from you daily. And it hurt. Again. A lot. And I had absolutely no one to blame but myself. And still don’t. It doesn’t matter how I feel about you. How to me you’re the one, and I knew that as soon as I’d met you in our teenage years. And no matter what anyone else thought, or said, it made no difference. I would move mountains to be with you IF I really felt you wanted to be with me.
But to you I will always just be a backup plan. A last resort. The reliable, predictable girl who waits in the wings to catch you if you fall.
I think you’d be amazed at the things I’ve accomplished whilst you’ve not been speaking to me, and not bothered to ask about when we have caught up. I’m not the girl I once was, and I guess in a way I can thank you among others who have done me wrong for the strength I’ve found in myself to build my own life independently.
I bumped into a mutual friend a few months after not hearing from you, and asked how you were doing. And heard about the girlfriend you had. Who you had had probably when we’d been meeting. Like the last she obviously had something I didn’t. More fun? More danger? Or just more what you’re looking for. I don’t know. But I knew then what I’ve probably always known. You will forever make me jump through hoops, wonder what I did wrong, analyse the last conversations we had, wondered what I could have done differently, and how such soul mates can be apart, tell me about the “bond” we have, yet never have any intention of fulfilling the dreams I had for you and I. It wasn’t that you weren’t ready for another relationship. You just didn’t want one with me. And this has always been the case.
I will always wonder why when the feelings I have for you are so strong, that my pull towards you is so strong how it can be that we aren’t meant to be? That the feeling of love at first sight perhaps was only one way? And the years of “bond” were just one sided?
To me you were beautiful inside and out, and everything I would want in a partner. I would have been happy with you for the rest of my life. But you would never been pinned down. By me. Others have managed it. So it’s time to face, I’m just not the one.
You contacted me Christmas day. A short and sweet message, with a reference to the past but when I replied I heard nothing. You just test to see if I’m still around for you. And I always am. Like the predictable love sick puppy you have known me to be, but claim you didn’t know the extent of my feelings.
So. For 2012 I have to let this go. Fifteen years after we first met and as sure as I am for my feelings for you, I have to know they are not reciprocated. And you will always fall back on me when you need to because I allow you to.
You know how in love with you I am, you have always known. It’s how you know you can treat me the way you have and I’ll always be there when you come back.
I may never feel about anyone how I do you. I may never find that bond with anyone else. But I also don’t have it with you either. Not when it’s a one way street.
It makes me sad to think we’ll never be in each other’s lives again, but for myself, I have to make sure we’re not.
Typically there are ex’s from my past who constantly get in touch to see how the land lies and if we can try again and I feel for them, because I know how it feels to know the person you are supposed to be within your heart and mind doesn’t feel the same. And it hurts to know how I feel about them is how you feel about me!
But I have spent months and years analysing why you’ve behaved how you have and I’ll never know! I just don’t have what you need out of a girl and that’s ok. I will just have to be more open to the fact there are men out there I can have a bond with and who will love me back! And if there isn’t anyone out there for me, that’s ok too.
I wish you all the best. And from what I’ve seen you are very happy. And I hope you are. I hope you treat her well and appreciate you have someone in your life who feels the same for you as you do them.
It doesn’t matter how many people despair of my feelings for you, and why I would chase after someone in their eyes “not good enough” to me you are perfect.
I will always love you; you will always be my soul mate and male version of me! You will always make me smile, and I will never know why I wasn’t enough for you. You were my best friend, and no one wants more for you out of life than I do. I will miss you every day. But I can’t be your fall back any longer. I’m better than that.xxx
