To the boy who doesnt deserve this post

From the moment I met you I knew you were the one. We clicked instantly and never spent a day apart.
We lunched together, talked on the phone day and night and even at work. I would cook for you, you’d cook for me, we’d watch films together and all the time I knew you were the one for me, you never acknowledged those feelings.
Except for when alcohol was involved of course! Then it got to the point I’d look forward to you having a few drinks so you’d tell me the things I wanted to hear. But sadly the following day you would always complain you remembered nothing.
I watched as you chatted to pretty girls, all the time unable to say anything as we were “best friends”
I would ruin potential relationship after relationship by putting you before them. Whenever you called at the drop of a hat I’d be there. I would cancel dates with them to hang out with you. I even got one boyfriend to drop me at your house on the pretence it was a girlfriends house! To me you were perfect. You were everything, and we had a bond no one could break.
You even talked of the bond yourself! And how you’d never have that with anyone else. All these things screamed we were meant to be, yet...we never were?
I was young, naive and was so bowled over by you I didn’t realise I was being treated badly! I would rather spend time with you than anyone else I knew and my long term relationship ended because of that. He had known as soon as we met that it was you I wanted. It was clear for all to see, and even with years behind us, from school onwards, he couldn’t compete with you. No one could.
I would half heartedly go on “dates” as you were doing the same, so as not to seem too keen, or clingy and scare you away. You had me walking on egg shells practically every day for fear I’d say or do something to frighten you off. I believed if I held on in there you would eventually realise what we could have and whisk me off my feet.
Sweet!
As I got older (still in teenage years mind! But late teens) I wised up considerably when years had passed and still no declaration of love (when sober) was made. I had to face the fact I probably was your “soul mate” and we did have a bond. But to you, in a friend way. Not romantically.
So I made a go of it with a guy I’d met and all things changed! You suddenly wanted me after all! Obviously seeing me with someone else riled up inside you some kind of jealousy and what I hoped to be realisation I was the one for you. And kissed me then and there in a packed bar with people you knew would tell him.
Was it staking your claim? Making it clear to all I was in fact yours after all this time of spending practically every day together but under the guise of “friends” For a very short period afterwards you were what I wanted you to be. Mine! But sadly. As I would learn to realise, it wasn’t real.
As soon as any potential competition was now safely out the way, you were no longer interested and back to being “friends” you weren’t “ready” for a relationship, didn’t want to spoil our friendship, didn’t want to hurt me. The usual player lines.
This happened for quite a while. You would date someone, it would go wrong, you’d call me, I would date someone it would go wrong, I would call you. And eventually what was “just friends” became more. After years of waiting. But still not all I wanted it to be. You then tried it on with one of my friends in a nightclub. Not just a friend, a best friend. I didn’t even believe her at first, that’s how blinded I was by you! I believed you over my best friend. Something to this day I regret.
I moved jobs, moved town and decided early twenties was the time to be taken seriously. I wanted you in every way. Not part time, not “friends with benefits” not an ego boost when your latest fling has flung. So I didn’t contact you. At all. No calls, no visits, no nothing. It took a couple of weeks but you must have missed me because you called me and left a voicemail that to this day was the happiest voicemail I’d ever gotten. You’d actually noticed I hadn’t been around. It’s so pathetic to me now how overjoyed I was to have this little bit of acknowledgement from you! And be actually GRATEFUL for it! But I was. If I could have saved it forever I would have. I just played it over and over again. Maybe the wait was over. You’d missed me! And I’d missed you too. You were my best friend, my soul mate, my potential husband as far as I was concerned. There was never a single question in my mind we would be together eventually. You just needed to get your laddish ways out of your system and would come to me when you were ready.
We went for a drink to catch up and it was the best drink I’d had in ages! There was no one else in the world as far as I was concerned except you and I. And I really thought it was the turning point.
Sadly after that drink, we lost touch. I don’t know why, or how. But we did. I used to try calling you but you wouldn’t answer (we didn’t have caller ID in those days either but probably did have 1471!) I eventually gave up. I had to face if you wanted me, you would have found a way to contact me.
I met someone. We hit it off and got quite serious quite quickly but I always thought of you and would send birthday cards, Christmas cards with updates on how things were.
I found out you were in a relationship. It kind of hurt. You’d never been the “relationship kind” hence why we had always remained friends. And you’d got with her very soon after our drink. But I was happy in my own relationship and put it down to that’s how things should be.
Something happened to me that brought my world crashing down when I was too young to really deal with it. And from then my luck seemed to go from bad to worse. A scary health issue, loss of someone close and then the breakdown of my relationship within a few months was enough to make me almost housebound. I just couldn’t believe how my life had changed so quickly, so drastically and so horribly. So I wrote to tell you about it. And you called me. You were concerned, and it was like again, no time had gone past.
We talked about everything and anything and I realised how much I’d missed you. You were still the one for me. But you had a relationship now, and she did not agree with female friends. You said it’s because she knew the bond we had. And at the time I believed you. She knew we had a past and was not happy with any “ex’s” hanging around, although technically I wasn’t an ex. You’d managed to duck out of ever being my boyfriend.
After that conversation you promised to keep in touch. But didn’t. But being me I called you a few months later. You took down my phone number and turned up at my house. I couldn’t believe it. I was so excited to see you, but looked a mess! You’d turned up out of the blue! And I was just slobbing around at home. I was mortified, and still am at that memory. I only ever wanted you to see me looking perfect!
The following day was my birthday. You asked if we could meet and you’d take me out for the day. I could not have been happier. I cancelled all birthday plans, got up early and got ready for our lunch date. Which never came. Or the call. To tell me you couldn’t make it. I tried you, but no reply. I think I pretty much cried the whole afternoon and evening. How at the age of (23/24) could I be so stupid. I even blamed myself for looking crap when you turned up and that’s why you never came back.
And that’s when I heard that you guys had been having problems. But had sorted them. Again I’d been just an ego boost. And was heartbroken. Again.
You got in touch again about five years ago. I still don’t know why. I was just happy you had. We spent some great days together, went shopping, partying and had an amazing time. Until you vanished. Again. Without a word. There was some cross words from me but you didn’t care. You’d had your relationship break. And maybe because I wasn’t as young and naive as I was and didn’t jump into bed with you, you didn’t see the point of hanging around!
We saw each other now and again after that. But I pretended to have not seen you. Every time I see you my heart flutters and my stomach fills with butterflies. I go dizzy and worry I’ll either be sick or pass out. No one else has that effect.
You got in touch again about three years ago. Via the wonderful world of social networking. I didn’t believe at first it was you. But it was. You said how you drive past my house often and consider knocking on the door, you thought about me all the time, you thought about me whilst travelling, and I (cautiously) lapped it all up. Didn’t dare ask myself why if you’d felt so strongly you hadn’t got in touch. I was just happy to have you back in my life again. And felt happy my patience had paid off because I knew EVENTUALLY we were meant to be. And this was the time.
You were newly single. You wanted to meet up all the time, I couldn’t have been happier. Gone were years of wondering what had happened, why hadn’t you been in touch, why her not me? When we’d had such a “bond” I just thought that you’d got your senses back and realised it was me you were meant to be with after all. To me there had never been any question that we would end up together. And I was sure this was it. But cautious. And took it very slowly. Obviously too slowly!
We went on proper dates, something we’d never done before. And I tried to ignore the fact you always told your ex every time you were seeing me. Knowing the reaction you would get. I’m assuming she made you feel as bad as you make me feel. And who get a rise out of her but me. Sadly I realise that’s the only reason you had for contacting me. You wanted a reaction from her. You were hurting, and didn’t care how it would hurt me.
You talked of our bond, we talked about the past, we talked about relationships, and travelling the world and places we’d seen, and you talked of a new recent relationship that wasn’t to be and you realised that now.
But then the L word came up. And you seemed genuinely surprised that I had felt that way about you? In your memory you seem to think you hadn’t know how I felt? But looking back now. I know you did. How else did you know no matter what I would always be there for you to pick up the pieces? To be your backup plan when relationships went wrong? How else would you dare pick me up and drop me the amount of times you have over the years if you hadn’t know I felt that way about you?
After our discussion of the L word, you predictably vanished once more. You were confused, and apparently me telling you how I’d felt all those years ago had confused you more. You needed a break from relationships after your break up, and that was understandable. And as much as I wanted to be there for you, mainly for my own selfish reasons, I couldn’t be a stop gap or a bit of fun. I could be your friend, or I could be your girlfriend. I could not be your friend with benefits. And I couldn’t risk being that.
So you vanished. I didn’t hear a word after hearing from you daily. And it hurt. Again. A lot. And I had absolutely no one to blame but myself. And still don’t. It doesn’t matter how I feel about you. How to me you’re the one, and I knew that as soon as I’d met you in our teenage years. And no matter what anyone else thought, or said, it made no difference. I would move mountains to be with you IF I really felt you wanted to be with me.
But to you I will always just be a backup plan. A last resort. The reliable, predictable girl who waits in the wings to catch you if you fall.
I think you’d be amazed at the things I’ve accomplished whilst you’ve not been speaking to me, and not bothered to ask about when we have caught up. I’m not the girl I once was, and I guess in a way I can thank you among others who have done me wrong for the strength I’ve found in myself to build my own life independently.
I bumped into a mutual friend a few months after not hearing from you, and asked how you were doing. And heard about the girlfriend you had. Who you had had probably when we’d been meeting. Like the last she obviously had something I didn’t. More fun? More danger? Or just more what you’re looking for. I don’t know. But I knew then what I’ve probably always known. You will forever make me jump through hoops, wonder what I did wrong, analyse the last conversations we had, wondered what I could have done differently, and how such soul mates can be apart, tell me about the “bond” we have, yet never have any intention of fulfilling the dreams I had for you and I. It wasn’t that you weren’t ready for another relationship. You just didn’t want one with me. And this has always been the case.
I will always wonder why when the feelings I have for you are so strong, that my pull towards you is so strong how it can be that we aren’t meant to be? That the feeling of love at first sight perhaps was only one way? And the years of “bond” were just one sided?
To me you were beautiful inside and out, and everything I would want in a partner. I would have been happy with you for the rest of my life. But you would never been pinned down. By me. Others have managed it. So it’s time to face, I’m just not the one.
You contacted me Christmas day. A short and sweet message, with a reference to the past but when I replied I heard nothing. You just test to see if I’m still around for you. And I always am. Like the predictable love sick puppy you have known me to be, but claim you didn’t know the extent of my feelings.

So. For 2012 I have to let this go. Fifteen years after we first met and as sure as I am for my feelings for you, I have to know they are not reciprocated. And you will always fall back on me when you need to because I allow you to.
You know how in love with you I am, you have always known. It’s how you know you can treat me the way you have and I’ll always be there when you come back.
I may never feel about anyone how I do you. I may never find that bond with anyone else. But I also don’t have it with you either. Not when it’s a one way street.
It makes me sad to think we’ll never be in each other’s lives again, but for myself, I have to make sure we’re not.
Typically there are ex’s from my past who constantly get in touch to see how the land lies and if we can try again and I feel for them, because I know how it feels to know the person you are supposed to be within your heart and mind doesn’t feel the same. And it hurts to know how I feel about them is how you feel about me!
But I have spent months and years analysing why you’ve behaved how you have and I’ll never know! I just don’t have what you need out of a girl and that’s ok. I will just have to be more open to the fact there are men out there I can have a bond with and who will love me back! And if there isn’t anyone out there for me, that’s ok too.
I wish you all the best. And from what I’ve seen you are very happy. And I hope you are. I hope you treat her well and appreciate you have someone in your life who feels the same for you as you do them.
It doesn’t matter how many people despair of my feelings for you, and why I would chase after someone in their eyes “not good enough” to me you are perfect.
I will always love you; you will always be my soul mate and male version of me! You will always make me smile, and I will never know why I wasn’t enough for you. You were my best friend, and no one wants more for you out of life than I do. I will miss you every day. But I can’t be your fall back any longer. I’m better than that.xxx

Single at Christmas

Merry Christmas one and all! I hope today has been a joyous day of family and loved one time and hopefully some yummy food and presents :)

This year was the first year I woke up alone. I have always stayed over at my families Christmas eve or lived with someone. It was strange!

Now normally I am thoroughly enjoying single life! I love the freedom, the independence and drama free lifestyle! But today it felt....kind of weird!

I felt as though it would actually be nice to wake up next to someone? nice to come home with someone Christmas eve and eat more food you dont really need! And watch Christmas TV.

I dont know. I've been single for three years now. (wow) And honestly have not done very well on the dating scene (some their fault, some mine.....but mostly theirs!);)

And I woke up thinking of someone from the past, and sent a Merry Christmas message. Its always been unfinished business, and honestly? I really dont know why I did it. But I got one back. It just didnt make me feel any better at all! And just makes me look and feel like I'll never let that one go! He's one of those people that you message then wish you hadnt even if he does reply because it will never be the reply you want!

I think there's one person in everyones past that has the ability to make them feel that way!

I've not really felt lonely very much until now. I've not ever worried about being single until now. But suddenly it feels like.....will it always be this way? Will I always be single now? Is this just how it is!

I have to be completely honest here and say I dont make much effort to meet men! I mean I go out with friends of course! But I want to see my friends! Not hook up with men. And the rest of the time I'm either working or sleeping after working so hard :) Which I also love by the way! Or visiting friends at their houses. I'm not big on the pub/club scene anymore.

So maybe you cant have it all? I have a job I love, a place I love, friends I love and that should be more than enough! I've been chasing a job I'll love for so long I shouldnt be feeling miserable about anything!!

Maybe its just Christmas time. And everyone is home with their boyfriends and families and I come home to an empty flat? But I have a lovely family I spent the day with and can now slob out giving myself mani pedi's and watch chick flicks eating chocolate! I guess there are some bonuses ;)x

Do we get what we deserve?

Apparently if you live well, honestly, treat others how you would like to be treated, work hard etc, you will lead a happy and lucky life hopefully.

So how can it be some people go through life completely selfless, work hard to take care of their family, do nothing but give give give and get nothing back?! Like the universe just gives them constant slaps in the face!

It baffles me how some lie cheat and manipulate their way through lives but get all the luck in the world, yet others are so kind hearted, so giving, so trusting, so nurtuting and get nothing but bad luck.

I wish I could turn this person in particulars luck around I really do. I cannot possibly understand why the universe has sent so much bad luck their way continually through life! But I can only hope perhaps new year, new start? And luck will change??

I truly hope so, they deserve all the luck in the world.xxx

My dog-My best friend

I cannot begin to explain the amount of heartache and pain I am in at this moment in time.

When Tilly* came into my life I knew the moment I meant her she was meant for me. An instant bond you could say. She was the cutest, funniest little character I had ever come across! My heart just melted!

She continued to be the cutest and most hilarious character the older she got. When she first arrived she was a timid soul, and petrified of men. A year in she was running the household and bossing everyone around with her "doggy" demands! It was comical to watch, and I believe only other pet owners can understand the personalities these animals take on!

We are not an emotion showing family. We don't hug, we don't say I love you etc. It doesn't mean we don't FEEL loved! We're just not all about saying it. But she changed all that. We couldn't shower her with enough love because she was a cuddly dog, she had to be with someone, couldn't sit without sitting on or next to someone, she was the most affectionate dog I'd ever known and she made us that way. She brought us together with our shared love of her and sharing the comical things she had done that day or when we hadn't been around.

When I or another member of the household was ill she would not leave your side. At all! She would park herself on the end of the bed from first thing in the morning until mum got home in the evening when she'd jump down to greet her and shepherd her upstairs to visit the poorly!

She would greet all of us when we got home as if we'd been to war and she never thought we'd make it home! She played, entertained, snuggled, amused and was always centre of attention.

At times I snapped at her, for barking, or whining when not necessary. I was even embarrassed of her at times when she was the only dog that wouldn't sit nicely at the vets, or howled outside the shop while we waited for mum to come out, or whine in the car because she was so excited to get wherever we were going, or sneakily run off when I just thought I'd got her when out running in the fields to terrorise other well behaved dogs (much to their owners disdain! Luckily she was only usually as big as the other dogs paws)but no matter how much she had been told off, or if you'd snapped when she really probably hadn't deserved it but you were having a no patience day, she loved you anyway. She loved all of us, like we were the most amazing beings she had ever met. Complete unconditional love. No matter what had gone on in your day at work, at home, personal life, she was there to pick up the pieces. She would just sense your upset and sit for hours, she'd even lick the tears from your face.

She was tiny but she was loud, sounded like an elephant was upstairs and had no manners just cheek! She had endless dog beds but the only beds she ever slept on were ours! And despite her tiny frame somehow we ended up huddled in a corner whilst she spread out across the rest!

She melted the hearts of everyone who met her. By everyone she was loved. You couldn't help it! She was a comedian in a cute dog disguise. And now my heart is broken because she was taken from us far far too soon. Although I'm sure no matter when she had to leave us it would never have been her time as far as we were concerned.

After becoming ill such a short time ago, and us and her amazing vets trying every treatment possible she passed away peacefully yesterday at home with my mum at her side. I could not make it back in time, but take solace in the fact she was with someone who loved her as much if not more than I, and having spent all of the previous evening with her I hope she knew how much I cared.

To not be able to return the favour of never leaving her side while she was ill was heartbreaking. But being a human not a dog it isn't possible! We have to work to keep these amazing animals and I just so hope she never felt cheated she'd looked after me so many times over the years and I couldn't return the favour as much as I wanted to.

They say life goes on. And it sure does. But ours is so empty now. So quiet, so dull, so bland, and we've lost the little beacon of love we had in our home that kept us all together. I feel almost like I wont know what to talk to my family about now she's gone as I'm sure she is all we've ever talked about since she arrived.

I hope she knows how unbelievably loved she was, and will always be. I hope we made her an inch as happy as she made us. I never knew such love could be possible until I had her in my life.

She was never a tie, never a burden, she was a joy and I am so sad that she became so unwell and had to leave us but thank god that she did not suffer for long and was in no pain.

She knew how heart rending the decision would have been for us if we'd had to make it and she made it for us. I just wish we could have had her a bit longer, I wasn't ready to let her go yet.

I know people will think "its just a dog" and will never understand the loss we feel but I can only say to think that, you have probably never had a pet. They make a house a home. And we will be so lost and empty without her.xxx

Friend or foe?

Friends are supposed to be the support network you turn to in times of need. But what if they turn into the people that cause the upset you need support through?

Last night I received a txt from a friend that if she had had all the facts she would not have sent, and beings she didnt have all the facts uspet me more because it could have potentially been bad news.

It was of course regarding the previously mentioned pull and push boy! And the fact he was spotted out on a date.

My friend was not to know I had advised pull and push boy to push off for good over a week ago. So the manner in which this txt came through, smug, condicending and almost overjoyed at delivering the said news was nothing short of hurtful.

I couldnt care less about pull and push boy, as I dont spend time dating men who arent quite sure if they want to date me or not, but I do care that my "friend" thought we were dating and chose to tell me in the way that she did that apparently we werent!

I cant understand a "friend" who would find it funny to deliver possible bad news. She apparently thought we were a couple! So is that really the way you would tell a friend that you have seen their "boyfriend" on a date with someone else?

I have made many excuses over the years for her behaviour towards me, her bullying, her cattiness, her put downs, and everything else inbetween. We have been friends since school and its "just how she is" but recently the excuses arent even washing with me.

Waking up sad over a boy is unfortunately sometimes normal when dating....you meet a lot of frogs on the way to the prince, but waking up sad over a friends behaviour? Is not ok.x

Dating - the pull and push game!

And i'm not talking about some weird sexual game! I mean why do men do the pull you in then push you away game?! Its SO frustrating and so unnecessary!?

They either like us or they dont? Surely its that simple?! How can it be any more complicated than that?! Yet they make it more complicated!

Is it because they dont know if they like us really? (In which case dont use the pulling in tactics of how much you like us! Are thinking about us etc) or does someone else catch their eye? Or they want to keep their options open and thats why they push away suddenly?! Its random!

I bumped into a guy I used to date MANY years ago! When we were much younger. We've ran into each other a few times over the years but have always been in relationships. This time we were both single! So we swopped numbers and said we'd catch up. Before I'd even made it back to my desk he had txtd, and continued to txt the whole day. He txtd the next morning how he couldnt stop thinking about me etc etc blah blah you get the lines! But then went quiet leading up to our date. I just assumed he'd gone off the idea...or worse....probably hadnt been single after all! And right on time evening of the date he cancelled because of "work"

Not a problem, it was expected!

I didnt hear for a week or so then he reappeared again! Txt txt txt, keen keen keen. Just so bizarre!

We did eventually meet up, then met up four times afterwards. Always went well, had a giggle, no awkward silences, cheeky snog at the end etc and his txts inbetween got flirtier and cheekier. The vanished again! (yes getting boring now)

He does work a lot and does work shifts but as far as I know still has the same phone he uses when hes keen and txtn all the time from yes...the same job miraculously!

So I gave it up as a bad job! I dont play games! I dont have time for it! If a guy liked me he'd let me know? Or at least be consistent. So that was that.

Oh apart from some 3am txts asking if I was up a few times which needless to say were ignored!!

I then went on a girls night, he was in a bar nearby and heard we were out so turned up (crashed) with some of his friends and blatantly came over and asked me why i'd gone so cold and "not interested"

Is this boy serious??!!

I explained that as far as I was aware I hadnt changed, but when someone doesnt reply to my message or call I dont keep trying?! And he'd left it weeks APART from 3am txts which of COURSE would be ignored as I am not, nor ever have been a booty call! He looked sheepish at that and apologised for those saying he was drunk, and hey havent we all done that at 3am.


He had no excuse for his random vanishing acts. He tried a lot of them though! work.....(would be valid if he messaged on the four days a week he has off!!) ex's.......work again......the past.....he'd been ill....blah! No solid concrete reasons! but said he felt it had been going well and had really enjoyed where it was going so would like to start again. Seemed fair enough. (stupidly!)

And fair enough after I left he was messaging, and the following day and days after and a date was arranged for this weekend which he seemed, at the time, really keen about. But you guessed it! In the days leading up to the said date he's gone silent again!

So. Again. What is with the pull and push game! WHY come out to crash girls night to sort things out (apparently) just to vanish again at the last minute! Why be ridiculously over keen then vanish?! Is it a commitment phobia thing (i'm guessing yes) is it a juggling too many girls he cant keep up thing (possibly but its not like after 4 dates we're "exclusive" its ok if he wants to date other people!) or is it just he's a douche! (definitely!)

We have a history, there is absolutely NO reason why he cant be honest with me! And I told him at the club if he's decided we're better off "friends" that is totally fine!! Just because you like hanging out with a female doesnt mean you have to date them. We got back in touch, we caught up, it doesnt mean we have to date! We CAN just be friends! It's ok!

So needless to say if this date is cancelled I wont be arranging anymore! I dont think its too much to ask for consistency?! Maybe this is why I dont date often!x

How do boys do this????

Please tell me how boys can turn sane, independent, confident, self assured women into nutbars! Seriously!

I have been having this conversation now for the last week or so with various girlfriends who are currently on the dating scene.

Now let me tell you these girls are amazing! And not just because they're my friends! They really are! They are gorgeous, independent, self assured, confident, succesful women! They are beautiful, intelligent and so much fun to be around. Yet when a boy arrives in their lives. It turns them into turmoil!

He said this what did it mean? He txtd I replied but he didnt txt back? He txtd me everyday then stopped, he's answered someone on facebook but ignored me etc etc etc!

Now my girls THANKFULLY know not to go all crazy chick and start harassing these poor guys to death! (Well....so they tell me ;) ) but we all agreed we can seriously see how some may convince themselves its the way to go!

We have "rules" which may seem pathetic and childish! But I think are to gain some control! Rule one never txt first! Hence the hours, days waiting for txts! Some think there are no rules now! Just txt! etc etc! But we have a theory that if you're the one to do all the chasing in the beginning, you will end up being the chaser throughout.

But HOW do these boys arrive in our lives and cause such chaos! And confusion, self doubt! Make a confident girl suddenly check her phone every 5 mins for a txt, IM, BBM, email, FB message ARGGHHH! too many ways to be contacted nowadays!

But all in all the waiting around, wondering, butterflies, expectation is pretty fun :) x