The Notebook! Have I had mine??

Ok, so like most of the female population I love love LOVE the film The Notebook. I'm sure I would love the book too had I read it...which I haven't! (my bad)

I even know a lot of males who love this movie! It's just an amazing story about an amazing love. If you haven't seen it DO SO IMMEDIATELY! Although maybe not as a first date DVD kind of film as men....I cant promise you wont get as emotional as the girl you chose to watch it with!

Everyone knows this kind of love (I hope) if they don't they dream of it. The kind of love where you just need to spend every single waking moment with each other! Morning, noon and night. But you challenge each other enough to argue and fight, but make up immediately (and passionately!) afterwards!

I have had this kind of relationship I am pleased but yet sad to say.

Pleased that I experienced it. It was a love that I never thought possible. I honestly never ever knew love could consume you in such a way. From the moment our eyes met I knew he was going to be something...I didn't know what, I just knew he was special. And I still remember and cherish that memory to this day. He was leaving a building as I was entering and our eyes met and I knew.

We were both in "relationships" and I use that term loosely as we were so young at the time! But they soon fell by the wayside as we got to know each other and eventually fell in love.

We couldn't be apart, although on a few occasions we had to be, and it was torture, even a week away from him was more than I could cope with. We would talk for hours on the phone, we would write letters, we would be in constant contact as much as humanly possible!

I had school, he didn't but would meet me on break times, if he couldn't I'd be so disappointed and my day would drag until after school when we could meet again. It was crazy!

We fought, of course we fought! Worse fights than I've ever had with anyone I've ever known! But we always made up.

I just couldn't be without him! He was my best friend, my boyfriend, my world, he was everything and I couldn't bear to be apart from him and he felt the same. We were both smitten and it was a lovely yet emotional roller coaster time!

It makes me happy that I had this with someone, that I shared this with someone that I actually managed to allow myself to feel this for someone and open myself up to it. The good, the bad and the ugly! The loving times, the jealous times! The hurtful times, the changing times and the challenging times. There were so many ups and downs so many tears and tantrums but ultimately we loved each other more than anything.

***SPOILER ALERT***We didn't part as dramatically as the notebook when she is forced away from him by her parents but it was no less painful I'm sure. We were together for six years rather than a summer! And we grew apart and had to eventually say goodbye. I still look back on it fondly despite any messiness at the end of two confused almost adults wanting to move on but being scared to. But I am pleased to say both of us have gone on to do many great things and he met a girl he will soon marry and we can look back and smile at the love we had back then, the two crazy kids crazy about each other! And it makes me happy I've had that in my lifetime, some will never ever experience that kind of love in their life and it is truly an amazing and special thing. You don't perhaps appreciate it as much as you should at the time? But later on its something you wished you'd took time to appreciate more as it happened.

What makes me sad about the situation is....apart from the fact some may never experience this is that I already did? Does this mean I had my notebook love?? And its gone. Not that I'd want it back! Unlike Ally and Noah our love wasn't eternal, just the fondness was! But the relationships I've had since which admittedly were only two were nothing like the intensity I had with him back in those days.

Perhaps its because I'm older? Perhaps its because I'm more wary of hurt, of the damage that can be inflicted on you from opening up to someone and giving yourself so completely or maybe its just they weren't the one?

I didn't have the overwhelming urge to be with them all the time, I didn't even feel the need to see them every day! Is this because as I've aged I am more independent? Have I lost that innocence that allows you to be consumed by the other person completely?

Its not that Id want to be in someones pocket 24/7 like when I was young! I do have a life ;) but i want the FEELING of wanting to be with them 24/7!

And yes the notebook is movie love! And you cant expect movie love to happen in real life! But it does! For some people it really really does. I've had it, I've been there and it was amazing. And I appreciate having had this experience but am just sad that perhaps I experienced it so young and may never have it again! Its not something you can force, its not something you can push for, when it happens its out of your control and its amazing. You cant help but give in to it. And I do hope I have that again one day! But I guess I should just be pleased I ever had it at all.

Its a long fall from up there...

It is quite funny to me (not funny ha ha, funny strange) that I am still a single when some of my very close friends were married and are now being divorced. Funny in that they have done all that in the time I have....well not! Time has gone very quickly!

And I'm sad for those friends now going through divorces and also their children having to endure the upheaval. Many of us have been there from the children's point of view.

But what makes me even sadder than that are the "smug marrieds" and if you haven't read Bridget Jones to know what this means then please do! You're missing out! Its an incredibly funny book if nothing else!

But I digress.

Now the singletons of us all are more than used to the eternal questions at every opportunity those around us ask about our love life. "no man yet?" "not married yet" "HOW are you still single" etc etc etc. But the newly single especially recently divorced not by choice singles just aren't use to this concept. They are probably (if they're truly honest) used to being the question askers!

But the people I really cannot understand are those who pose as "friends" of the newly singled/divorced...who have been single/divorced themselves therefore know of the torment it arouses, pushing newly found relationships in the faces of all but especially the newly singled in some kind of "I've won/you've lost" rub it in their face manner.

I as a single am used to this kind of smug behaviour from those who have bagged a man and are in the honeymoon period and believe that this is "the one" and I don't begrudge their happiness one bit if its genuine! The smugness I do begrudge but that's another story! Luckily for me my nearest and dearest are not the smug kind! But I am finding increasingly these "smug" people are those that have been through messy breakups themselves and are homing in on the newly miserable singles!

Is this a single/attached war? Have you really only made it in life if you have a man at your side? Does nothing else matter? Such as career, well brought up children, independent happiness if there is no man to share it with?

I mean this excludes asking my grandmother as sadly no, a successful career, and numerous qualifications and graduations mean nothing to her unless a wedding is in the near future ;) but since when did people who are attached become so smug! And so....well mean!

I am wary of becoming this bitter and twisted single who resents those that are attached and can speak of nothing without name dropping their boyfriend/husband at every opportunity, and who no longer have plans unless it is an event where they attend "as a couple" Those friends I try to continually love despite knowing they have given up any independence to be their man's lapdog basically! I know as time goes on they will drift out of my life because their life is now their partner and that's fine! Nothing wrong with that, some women are happy with that as are some men for that matter.

But for those who feel they are better than anyone who is single? Who have been lucky enough to find love, or even find love a second/third time and forget how hard it can be being single, especially if single with children, or single with absolutely no choice in the matter, who's world has been turned upside down by the departure of their partner/love of their life (or so they thought) I would say be very very careful feeling "smug" , deliberately targeting newly singles to parade your new love and feeling that you have won some imaginary race in life because you never can tell what the future may hold, for any of us, and that rosy little bubble world you are living in, on the pedestal so far above the singles may one day be burst and come crashing down through no fault or choice of your own. And when it does....you will need those single friends to pick you up, dust you off and buy you a bloody big cocktail!x

Men?

I guess I can be quite easily confused. But the main confusion usually comes from some kind of mixed message. And these mixed messages usually come from the male species I have to say.

So. As we know I'm pretty much a man free zone. I would like to think its by choice? But also because I so very rarely meet anyone I feel a spark with. This again I hope explains my average of two dates a year. And I know many others in the same situation!

But this year, after getting to a 3rd date (wow) realised that again my run was up for the year! As I sat across the table from this single, available, witty, intelligent, successful, good looking man I realised....there was no spark.

Now. OK some people don't believe in sparks! But butterflies, "a feeling" whatever it is you should have in the beginning just wasn't happening! It was more a friend vibe.

After discussing this with numerous girlfriends and a couple of guy friends it was thought its me making excuses! Backing out? etc. I knew deep down it wasn't and later on got a text confirming so! He hadn't felt it either. Phew! Relief. It wasn't me. But we will stay friends and meet for the odd drink, you cant have too many friends I find.

So that's an OK ending? (apart from according to one of my girlfriends who feels I should have made more effort to force said "spark" on both me and him as clearly singledom is far worse a fate than forcing yourself to like someone you clearly don't!....lets not get started on that)

So we went on our merry way. Then a few weeks later (after discussing further dates he'd been on) he begins to mention meeting up in a dating kind of context and that he had felt a "spark".....yes......after telling me there had been none???

Now call me cynical? But I'm kind of thinking the dates he had gone on after ours perhaps didn't have as much flow? As we did have a lot to say! There was never any awkward silence which was great. But am I right or wrong in thinking he went on a few more and thought hmm....you know what? She wasn't that bad after all, maybe I should give it another go with that one?

Who knows! Needless to say I wont be experimenting to find out! At the risk of being in singledom for life I'd rather not take my chances on a man I didn't feel a spark with and who may have a friend like mine telling him to force one!

Then when I thought all was lost I met another guy. In such a short space of time is unheard of I promise you! And there was definitely a spark, literally from the moment he opened his mouth. He was lovely!

He was classic good looking but so cute, well dressed and so NICE! I as I have got older am a sucker for niceness! I think its something you realise is attractive after endless "exciting....but they aren't so exciting a few years in" dramaous bad boy nightmares!

I played it cool as I wasn't sure on his situation, but we had a lot to talk about and kept running into each other. And he then finally asked me for a drink! I was over the moon! And couldn't believe my luck that someone I actually liked liked me back?! (again its unheard of!) So I of course said I'd love to!

Nothing. Zilch, nada since! And we've spoken! On the phone, via text, and in person! But no drink has been mentioned!

So another wise friend (ha) said bring it up! You no longer have to wait to be asked! Girls can take the lead now.

I feel this is desperate! Beings he already asked me, I already said yes, and he's done nothing about it means he's not interested?! I'm sure dating hasn't changed that much over the years we now have to literally throw ourselves at their mercy. But OK...gave her the benefit of the doubt, she is in a better position than I to advise being in a functioning relationship and all so I brought it up ADMITTEDLY by text. And i just got a kiss back in return. That was it. Again said friend was sure I needed to be more upfront, not hint at it but directly ask?

WHY!!! I'd already said yes! Then opened up the topic again and by ignoring it had basically been shot down?! no???

Well I ignored her (phew I hear some of you say!) and asked a mans opinion! (brutal but honest) and he had this to say "he was interested when he asked you, but since then something has happened to put him off, either another girl he's met in between or something you did"

Hmmm! I had a feeling on the other girl front, don't like the thought it was something I did (probably looked as excited as I felt when I'd said yes to the drink!) but have to face facts it could well have been!

But tell me this. Why cant men just be straight forward!! Women are forever being joked about for being obsessive, over analysing freaks! But we have to be! As we're told there is no spark....then few weeks later (perhaps because we agreed and didn't argue the point?!) there now is a spark! And are asked out for drinks...accept and then never mentioned again!!

If you know a psychotic seeming female you should perhaps have a think at the confused mixed messages the poor soul is dealing with!x

Never for me!

I am not wanting to sound like a bitter and twisted old hag! I dont think I am one! So definitely dont want to sound like one! But sometimes things happen to people and I have to think....why not me!

It will sound unbelievably selfish when I write about this. UNBELIEVABLY! But its something I have to vent about.

A friend of mine got a wonderful present today from her boyfriend of three years. Wonderful wonderful present. And PLEASE dont get me wrong! I couldnt be happier for her! she deserves it as she is as wonderful as the gift!

But I have to ask myself...why is this never me?!

Now ok..having a boyfriend would help! Of course it would!! But even when I do have partners I have never ever ever once had a partner that was thoughtful, or even after years together knew what to buy me.

Now we are not talking expensive gifts. (although I'm only human....they wouldnt go amiss either!) but I mean thoughtful gifts. A token to show this person knows you as well as you know yourself.

I am not a secretive person! Are many females I wonder when it comes to likes and dislikes. And I have never found out why when I am so vocal about likes and dislikes I never have someone who knows just what to get me!

It's natural to be envious of those in loving relationships who's boyfriends continually spoil them with tokens of affection! But I have to ask...at the ripe old age of 30, when is my turn?!! If ever!x

Mortality

At some point in their lives everyone will be faced with the prospect of their own mortality. Whether it be the death or illness of someone else, or a possible life experience of their own.

To an already hypercondriac person the word "biopsy" is never a good one. And to be honest, I doubt it is for anyone!

The words "to rule out anything sinister" also do not instill confidence in someone who already thinks the worst.

Although I usually lean towards anxiety anyway this time I have decided there really isnt much point! As if there is anything "sinister" its already there! Worrying and panic will not change it. Sadly! If either of these things did help I'd have cured the world of conditions by now!

But it does have you questioning your life. Is it all you thought it would be, do you really live everyday like its your last?! Have you done anything you had always dreamed you would do should god forbid the absolute worst happen. (you will get used to my drama queen ways of thinking!)

Who can live every day like its their last? Honestly? If you thought today was going to be the last day of your life ever would you have gone to work? Of course not! But can you live that way?? No! We'd never go to work for fear today was the end! ha! And wouldnt have any money to live never mind do the things we wanted to do before the end appears!

It makes you question what you would do if you were in fact really unwell. Would you suddenly start cramming in lots of plans of travels? or see family and friends more? Jump out of planes? Would you go to church more because you really havent dragged yourself out of bed many times recently on a Sunday figuring god knows where you are and that you're thinking of him while you stay in your nice warm duvet! Should you start showing up now in case you are soon to join him?

Does afterlife even exist?! Is there any concrete proof that scientists havent argued their way out of?

It seriously starts your mind buzzing around with a lot of crazy stuff! But maybe some of it we should think about more often than if we get a shock to the system!x

Internet dating

So we're told this is how its done now and everyone meets on line EVERYONE! And some of us even know people or friends of friends who met online and are now married, engaged, and blissfully happy.

I am dubious of this way of dating.

Firstly how do you pick a site? Do you pick the free sites? Does this mean you or they arent as serious about dating as those who pay? If you go to the paid sites will you meet any better class of Miss or Mr than the free sites? Do you go to ones only friends can write the profile for you? Do you go to ones who promise if you fill out ten pages of questions and tests to have your soulmate ready and waiting.

Sure, this is what the internet is for now! Why should single people be confined to other singles in their social circle/small towns/work/local bars and so on's. And its no different to the idea of blind dating? Except you know what the person will look like!

But personality wise? It is in fact blind dating!

Yes you can chat via email/txt and even on the telephone. But that still does not mean when you meet in person the person you have had this so far technological relationship with will turn out to be exactly as you pictured them.

How? Why? I dont know! You do your home work, you check out all the pictures possible (all those that have dared to be posted on line anyway which are usually the good shots....lets be honest!) and you've had numerous online conversations about your past, your present, your work, your friends, it's just so easy to open up online!

You've spoken on the phone, chatting merrily away to this person you are building foundations with. But then you meet and just one thing can throw it all off. A laugh? A mannerism? Or just plain not having any chemistry once you are there in front of each other.

It is baffling to know why. After you spent so much time building up a friendship at the very least! But I guess online is no substitute for the spark you get when your eyes meet across a crowded room, or a mutual friend introduces you to the most gorgeous human being you have ever had the fortune to come across.

Nothing beats that! Not even a very good online picture!

Theres also the fact of everyone online is looking for someone. Thats a given, thats what its for after all. And a very good device it is too for some! But I cant help but wonder. Do people really meet their soulmate online or is it forced?

Yes yes I know this is a very cynical way of looking at things and I sincerely apologise to those who really did meet their Mr or Miss Right online. Truely! As of course with everything such as love at first sight....its got to be true for some people!

But I cant help but wonder is it settling? Do people go out on numerous dates with numerous people until they find one they can just "be" with.

Perhaps after date 3,4 or 10 they really do meet the one! Or do they just meet someone who's laugh doesnt grate right through them and are attractive enough they can picture a goodnight kiss!

Everyone online is looking for "someone" and I'm positive many are looking for "the one" but in such a forced environment (everyone you go on a date with...as long as you adjusted your dirtbag filters accordingly!) is looking for the same thing you are. So if they choose you....are you the one? Or just the best out of the bunch they dated? Would you ever know?!

The life of a hypercondriac

I may have mentioned on beginning this blog that I have an issue with anxiety. This can sometimes vanish for years at a time and other times it is always at the forefront of my mind.

I don't know where my hypochondriac tendencies come from. And is NOT an attractive trait to have. It's one that sadly cannot be hidden, as a hypochondriac requires constant reassurance from those around them. It is a very needy and very annoying (To those around them doing the reassuring!) condition to have.

There has not been one day this last two weeks that I have felt well. Not one. And these have ranged from an actual condition I needed antibiotics for (OK...that one was fair)...to perceived side effects ...(from the antibiotics) to possible actual real side effects (But we'll never know as I am such a hypochondriac/drama queen), to concerns that the feelings were then not side effects but a symptom of something else...and so it goes on.

Fellow hypochondriac's (as long as they realise that's what they are...some are in denial) will be nodding their heads very enthusiastically about now, those who are the strong "never ill" types will be rolling their eyes in disbelief that someone can worry over such trivial and pointless things.

I have to agree with the eye rollers!

In my line of work I deal with many health issues. (Others thankfully, not mine!) that range from hypochondriac's such as myself who are off with any small thing...toothache (that's fair, that can be horrific!) to being overtired, stress at work (welcome to my world) or headache/cold etc. Although not many people complain at colleagues staying home with colds as they are so contagious and awful when you catch one!

But I also have to deal with people with genuine illness or conditions. Such as to name a few...diabetes, although not an illness as such but a condition that requires constant monitoring and requires the individual to be vigilant in how they take care of themselves and can greatly affect their day to day life. Chrons disease, another debilitating condition, and then onto cancer and the real life threatening awful illnesses and conditions.

And here is the really funny thing. The people with the life threatening or life altering conditions I never hear a peep from. Not one. They never complain, they battle through immense treatments and appointments, exhaustion and whatever the day throws at them with such strength I can never imagine having within myself. I really cant. And I am in constant AWE of these people. Who battle to not only beat their disease (where cancer is concerned) and to stay alive in some cases, but still come to work! Still live their life! Still carry on as normal.

They put me to absolute shame. They really do and rightly so. And it does stop me in my tracks to think of all the years I have panicked and worried over the smallest ache, pain or gripe and what it could be or what it means and how these amazing people are staring these illnesses in the face and saying screw you!

Sadly it does not stop my hypochondriac tendencies completely. And that's my issue I need to deal with and learn how to let this go and stop wasting life worrying about "what if's" or maybe its just who I am and I wont ever change. Who knows. But I know, seeing these particular people I should know better.xxx