Monday, 4 February 2013

The not so ex

We broke up over 3years ago as we were heading in such different directions and made each other unhappy.

We have kept in touch every year. Our birthdays are a week apart so we always meet up. We then usually annoy each other soon after and lose touch again for a substantial amount of time!

Last year was different. Not really sure how or why.

I have got to where I wanted to be in my career, and realised when we were together he was always last priority. Always. I put my friends and career before him. Some say that's the right thing to do, I'm still not sure to this day whether I could completely put someone before career but that's another story!

I realised in our time apart that suddenly my invites we're dwindling. Fine with me as I'm no longer a party animal like the old days and enjoy film nights in! But it made me question how I never had a spare weekend for him when we were together?

Back when we were a couple if he'd asked me to make plans I would tell him if my friends weren't around then yes! Poor guy never said a word!

I was so fearful of giving up my friends for a man that I put them first always. And yes it is very important to keep hold of your girlfriends when in a relationship but not at the cost of your relationship. How had I been so blind to how I treated him?!

As the single years went on I realised my friends put their men (or men they barely knew!) first. Always. And I didn't think any less of them for that. Maybe frustrated if plans were cancelled but I never felt they were in the wrong, so why did I think they would feel that way about me?

Another issue was my friends not liking him. But then I realised in 3 years..... I don't particularly like some of their choices in men! It doesn't make us less friends! Doesn't mean I don't see them and doesn't mean I'm right! I think I thought if people didn't like him that they were right and that meant I was blinded by love! So what if I was?!

You will see from my blog I went on one or two dates during my time as a singleton but no one got to me how he does and I always felt guilty somehow despite the amount of time we were apart.

I sent a txt asking him to meet for our birthdays like we always had and it went unanswered. I figured perhaps he didn't want to keep in touch anymore and me realising all of the above was too late. One day driving down the motorway I had a flash of him happy with someone else and had a panic attack and had to pull over.

I texted again a week later to say I understood if he didn't want to respond but if he ever wanted to get in touch then do. He replied straight away. His phone had been broken and he hadn't got the first message. If I'd not texted a second time I would have assumed he didn't want to get in touch and he would have assumed I'd never messages again! Sometimes fate is a funny thing!

So we met and have pretty much been inseparable since

Some sceptics felt this was due to me not meeting anyone and so I was settling! I guess even I had to question that myself?! Why was I so determined that he wasn't for me and now all of a sudden he is?!

Maybe it's just growing up? Maybe it's just realising that it wasn't all him! I needed to look a myself and how he was treated back then!

Either way at this point in time I'm happy. That's all I care about.x

Monday, 7 May 2012

Speak your mind = Crazy girl!

Apparently if you speak up, and stick up for yourself you are crazy or a stalker. This is why so many women keep quiet, let men walk all over them, treat them far less than they deserve and they don't say a word. Why? We may look bothered therefore scaring them away. Look like we care....therefore scaring them away. Like we actually like them....therefore scaring them away (you get the message) For a year this particular "boy" (not a man yet I'm afraid, and I mean in maturity, not literally!) has seemed to think he can pick me up and drop me as and when he feels like it and its "OK" as "we're friends" Friends do not stand up other friends with no explanation, reason or apology. Friends do not then ignore messages after said standing up and vanish for weeks on end to suddenly turn up out of the blue like nothing happened. He claimed to "really like me" to "want to get to know me again" etc etc. (I knew him years ago, and should have known better this time round!) And so we were taking it slow. The odd date etc. But taking it slow does not mean...not turn up and then show up weeks later and expect me to be in waiting for him. So. I spoke up! Enough of this blowing hot and cold! I wouldn't accept this behavior from my friends, hell i wouldn't accept this behavior from family! I would ask what their problem is! And so I did. To be was "out of the blue" for me to message about this! He thinks he's done nothing wrong and has no recollection of stand ups! (Glad I went to so much trouble for something he doesn't even remember arranging!) Clearly as this particular boy is ridiculously good looking, and quite good company he is never questioned on his behavior! (Assuming he behaves like this with all women! It could just be me!)and he did not like it one bit. I think my question was worded quite politely to be honest! But he clearly did not agree and made me feel I'd completely made up this situation in my head. Like its perfectly acceptable and normal to arrange dates and for him to vanish without trace! He had me feeling crazy! Doubting that he had done anything wrong, I even had to go back through my messages to check we had arranged these dates! (we had) I felt crazy! And that I'd totally read into things! (I hadn't. Well I had....but only because of what he'd been saying) I responded to his blatant denial by carefully pointing out (I didn't want to look mad!) his random behavior and how I don't treat people that way and don't expect it back. To be met with silence. Shocker. I may have been single a long time, I may have been excited to run into this old flame, I may have eaten up all his lies, and I may have wanted to believe everything he said, but I wont be treated like a doormat to have a man. No matter how long its been! And how "grateful" society thinks I should now feel to have someone interested in me! And if I had any doubt......I received a text later this eve to say he was out with his "girlfriend" who....he apparently lives with! Small town this one! A friend was out with a mutual friend of ours and she spilled the whole story. So don't ever settle girls! Your gut is always right!xxx

Sunday, 8 April 2012

Could I have done more?

When we lose a friend or family member it is always difficult and hard to accept. But when you lost them because of something that could have been prevented its even more difficult.

This week we said goodbye to a friend who was just the nicest, most compassionate, most optimistic person I had probably ever met. I didn't really appreciate at the time her skill of seeing the best in every situation and every person she met. I don't think I ever heard her say a bad word about anyone? I even saw her cry because of things people had said or done to her but still don't recall her ever speaking badly of them.

She always smiled. She always had time for everyone, she always greeted you as if it had been years since you had last spoken. She was interested in everyone and everything and really proud of everyones achievements no matter how small they were.

I'm not sure if any of us really appreciated what a good heart she had. I think we just knew her that way and so.....not took it for granted? As no one had a bad word to say about her either, but probably didn't tell her enough how much she meant to everyone and how she made them feel. I wonder if in church this week she saw the impact her loss has had on everyone.

The biggest feeling on that day wasn't just the loss we feel but...could we have done more? Should we have done more?

She was battling with demons which we were all aware of, and one by one tried and failed to help. But did we try enough? Had we realised how far into this she really was?

We all tried and failed to keep in touch when she began withdrawing from everyone. She would respond to texts, and social network but even that trailed off eventually apart from a select few and her family. But were even they aware of how bad she really was?

We all knew she was unwell but didn't realise how unwell, and I doubt even she realised how bad she had gotten.

Soon texts went unanswered, meetings cancelled, phone calls unanswered and one by one we each felt it was us she was avoiding or had no interest in keeping in touch with so gave up. Lives are so busy and I guess people don't have time to keep chasing people that don't want to keep in touch.

We then all got the fateful message that she did not have long. That she was losing her battle with her demons and just the realisation that now there was really nothing we could do now.

We will always wonder if we let her down. Always. I don't think we'll ever not think about what we could and should have done, about her, about the loss, about the waste, about her family left behind, and how we had let months or years in some cases go by without trying to do something to stay in touch.

We let her descend into the darkness she had found herself in. We left her to her demons as we felt she didn't want our help, and perhaps felt she didn't want to stop or help herself? But who are we to decide that? Our lives got busy whilst hers spiralled out of control, and now who has to live with the consequences of that?

You cant force someone to stay in touch, and you cant force someone to get better who doesn't want to. but we should have kept trying.

Single yet turned down a night out???

It appears to mean when you are single you have to accept every single offer for a social event for fear Mr Right could be at said social event and you miss him!

I yesterday was invited to a friend of a friends birthday. Which was very nice to be asked! But after two very busy days I just wanted to stay in, put a hair treatment and face pack on and watch chick flicks.

This was pointed out to me as "turning down a night out to meet people, to watch films about other people meeting people"

Of course coming from a "smug married" person!

it baffles me how singletons going out every night, to any event, whether they know the people inviting them very well or not is any less "desperate" looking as those that are seemingly desperate for trawling the internet for dates. (smug marrieds see this as desperate, not me I would hasten to add!) I barely knew the people out last night apart from one, and yes what a fab opportunity to meet new people! But when you want to stay in.....why when you're single do you need to justify that?!

Mr Right may well have been out last night, or Mr Right may well have stayed in watching sports, or went away for Easter OR Mr Right may.......not exist! (imagine!!)

But I enjoyed my evening of chick flicks and chocolate and refuse to feel bad for doing so!!x

Sunday, 29 January 2012


So when you hit your 30's and there is still no prince charming in sight do you have to start thinking about your standards?

I mean do you have too many? Are you looking for such a specific person to spend your life with its impossible to find the right one?! (or ones!)

But...should you lower your standards?! I mean what you want from a relationship is what you want. So why should you lower your standards? Settle.

Standards such as a black card holding, multi property, aston martin driving, city banker, who is tall, dark and handsome with no baggage is something that could be taken down a notch! Or fifty!

But standards such as someone who is independence, has their own place (whether its bought or rented) drives, has a good job, is ambitious I think is ok.

I mean, you cant help you fall in love with. You could fall in love with a vet, a bar tender, a bin disposal worker.....the list is endless! If you disregard these because of what they do....well then perhaps the standards should be dropped? If the feelings are genuine.

If its a case of you wouldnt have anything in common because of the job etc then again thats a valid reason.

I feel as an independent woman with her own place, good job, who is independent, and has good friends etc that I can expect the same from a partner. And that isnt being "too choosy"

Thursday, 29 December 2011

To the boy who doesnt deserve this post

From the moment I met you I knew you were the one. We clicked instantly and never spent a day apart.
We lunched together, talked on the phone day and night and even at work. I would cook for you, you’d cook for me, we’d watch films together and all the time I knew you were the one for me, you never acknowledged those feelings.
Except for when alcohol was involved of course! Then it got to the point I’d look forward to you having a few drinks so you’d tell me the things I wanted to hear. But sadly the following day you would always complain you remembered nothing.
I watched as you chatted to pretty girls, all the time unable to say anything as we were “best friends”
I would ruin potential relationship after relationship by putting you before them. Whenever you called at the drop of a hat I’d be there. I would cancel dates with them to hang out with you. I even got one boyfriend to drop me at your house on the pretence it was a girlfriends house! To me you were perfect. You were everything, and we had a bond no one could break.
You even talked of the bond yourself! And how you’d never have that with anyone else. All these things screamed we were meant to be, yet...we never were?
I was young, naive and was so bowled over by you I didn’t realise I was being treated badly! I would rather spend time with you than anyone else I knew and my long term relationship ended because of that. He had known as soon as we met that it was you I wanted. It was clear for all to see, and even with years behind us, from school onwards, he couldn’t compete with you. No one could.
I would half heartedly go on “dates” as you were doing the same, so as not to seem too keen, or clingy and scare you away. You had me walking on egg shells practically every day for fear I’d say or do something to frighten you off. I believed if I held on in there you would eventually realise what we could have and whisk me off my feet.
As I got older (still in teenage years mind! But late teens) I wised up considerably when years had passed and still no declaration of love (when sober) was made. I had to face the fact I probably was your “soul mate” and we did have a bond. But to you, in a friend way. Not romantically.
So I made a go of it with a guy I’d met and all things changed! You suddenly wanted me after all! Obviously seeing me with someone else riled up inside you some kind of jealousy and what I hoped to be realisation I was the one for you. And kissed me then and there in a packed bar with people you knew would tell him.
Was it staking your claim? Making it clear to all I was in fact yours after all this time of spending practically every day together but under the guise of “friends” For a very short period afterwards you were what I wanted you to be. Mine! But sadly. As I would learn to realise, it wasn’t real.
As soon as any potential competition was now safely out the way, you were no longer interested and back to being “friends” you weren’t “ready” for a relationship, didn’t want to spoil our friendship, didn’t want to hurt me. The usual player lines.
This happened for quite a while. You would date someone, it would go wrong, you’d call me, I would date someone it would go wrong, I would call you. And eventually what was “just friends” became more. After years of waiting. But still not all I wanted it to be. You then tried it on with one of my friends in a nightclub. Not just a friend, a best friend. I didn’t even believe her at first, that’s how blinded I was by you! I believed you over my best friend. Something to this day I regret.
I moved jobs, moved town and decided early twenties was the time to be taken seriously. I wanted you in every way. Not part time, not “friends with benefits” not an ego boost when your latest fling has flung. So I didn’t contact you. At all. No calls, no visits, no nothing. It took a couple of weeks but you must have missed me because you called me and left a voicemail that to this day was the happiest voicemail I’d ever gotten. You’d actually noticed I hadn’t been around. It’s so pathetic to me now how overjoyed I was to have this little bit of acknowledgement from you! And be actually GRATEFUL for it! But I was. If I could have saved it forever I would have. I just played it over and over again. Maybe the wait was over. You’d missed me! And I’d missed you too. You were my best friend, my soul mate, my potential husband as far as I was concerned. There was never a single question in my mind we would be together eventually. You just needed to get your laddish ways out of your system and would come to me when you were ready.
We went for a drink to catch up and it was the best drink I’d had in ages! There was no one else in the world as far as I was concerned except you and I. And I really thought it was the turning point.
Sadly after that drink, we lost touch. I don’t know why, or how. But we did. I used to try calling you but you wouldn’t answer (we didn’t have caller ID in those days either but probably did have 1471!) I eventually gave up. I had to face if you wanted me, you would have found a way to contact me.
I met someone. We hit it off and got quite serious quite quickly but I always thought of you and would send birthday cards, Christmas cards with updates on how things were.
I found out you were in a relationship. It kind of hurt. You’d never been the “relationship kind” hence why we had always remained friends. And you’d got with her very soon after our drink. But I was happy in my own relationship and put it down to that’s how things should be.
Something happened to me that brought my world crashing down when I was too young to really deal with it. And from then my luck seemed to go from bad to worse. A scary health issue, loss of someone close and then the breakdown of my relationship within a few months was enough to make me almost housebound. I just couldn’t believe how my life had changed so quickly, so drastically and so horribly. So I wrote to tell you about it. And you called me. You were concerned, and it was like again, no time had gone past.
We talked about everything and anything and I realised how much I’d missed you. You were still the one for me. But you had a relationship now, and she did not agree with female friends. You said it’s because she knew the bond we had. And at the time I believed you. She knew we had a past and was not happy with any “ex’s” hanging around, although technically I wasn’t an ex. You’d managed to duck out of ever being my boyfriend.
After that conversation you promised to keep in touch. But didn’t. But being me I called you a few months later. You took down my phone number and turned up at my house. I couldn’t believe it. I was so excited to see you, but looked a mess! You’d turned up out of the blue! And I was just slobbing around at home. I was mortified, and still am at that memory. I only ever wanted you to see me looking perfect!
The following day was my birthday. You asked if we could meet and you’d take me out for the day. I could not have been happier. I cancelled all birthday plans, got up early and got ready for our lunch date. Which never came. Or the call. To tell me you couldn’t make it. I tried you, but no reply. I think I pretty much cried the whole afternoon and evening. How at the age of (23/24) could I be so stupid. I even blamed myself for looking crap when you turned up and that’s why you never came back.
And that’s when I heard that you guys had been having problems. But had sorted them. Again I’d been just an ego boost. And was heartbroken. Again.
You got in touch again about five years ago. I still don’t know why. I was just happy you had. We spent some great days together, went shopping, partying and had an amazing time. Until you vanished. Again. Without a word. There was some cross words from me but you didn’t care. You’d had your relationship break. And maybe because I wasn’t as young and naive as I was and didn’t jump into bed with you, you didn’t see the point of hanging around!
We saw each other now and again after that. But I pretended to have not seen you. Every time I see you my heart flutters and my stomach fills with butterflies. I go dizzy and worry I’ll either be sick or pass out. No one else has that effect.
You got in touch again about three years ago. Via the wonderful world of social networking. I didn’t believe at first it was you. But it was. You said how you drive past my house often and consider knocking on the door, you thought about me all the time, you thought about me whilst travelling, and I (cautiously) lapped it all up. Didn’t dare ask myself why if you’d felt so strongly you hadn’t got in touch. I was just happy to have you back in my life again. And felt happy my patience had paid off because I knew EVENTUALLY we were meant to be. And this was the time.
You were newly single. You wanted to meet up all the time, I couldn’t have been happier. Gone were years of wondering what had happened, why hadn’t you been in touch, why her not me? When we’d had such a “bond” I just thought that you’d got your senses back and realised it was me you were meant to be with after all. To me there had never been any question that we would end up together. And I was sure this was it. But cautious. And took it very slowly. Obviously too slowly!
We went on proper dates, something we’d never done before. And I tried to ignore the fact you always told your ex every time you were seeing me. Knowing the reaction you would get. I’m assuming she made you feel as bad as you make me feel. And who get a rise out of her but me. Sadly I realise that’s the only reason you had for contacting me. You wanted a reaction from her. You were hurting, and didn’t care how it would hurt me.
You talked of our bond, we talked about the past, we talked about relationships, and travelling the world and places we’d seen, and you talked of a new recent relationship that wasn’t to be and you realised that now.
But then the L word came up. And you seemed genuinely surprised that I had felt that way about you? In your memory you seem to think you hadn’t know how I felt? But looking back now. I know you did. How else did you know no matter what I would always be there for you to pick up the pieces? To be your backup plan when relationships went wrong? How else would you dare pick me up and drop me the amount of times you have over the years if you hadn’t know I felt that way about you?
After our discussion of the L word, you predictably vanished once more. You were confused, and apparently me telling you how I’d felt all those years ago had confused you more. You needed a break from relationships after your break up, and that was understandable. And as much as I wanted to be there for you, mainly for my own selfish reasons, I couldn’t be a stop gap or a bit of fun. I could be your friend, or I could be your girlfriend. I could not be your friend with benefits. And I couldn’t risk being that.
So you vanished. I didn’t hear a word after hearing from you daily. And it hurt. Again. A lot. And I had absolutely no one to blame but myself. And still don’t. It doesn’t matter how I feel about you. How to me you’re the one, and I knew that as soon as I’d met you in our teenage years. And no matter what anyone else thought, or said, it made no difference. I would move mountains to be with you IF I really felt you wanted to be with me.
But to you I will always just be a backup plan. A last resort. The reliable, predictable girl who waits in the wings to catch you if you fall.
I think you’d be amazed at the things I’ve accomplished whilst you’ve not been speaking to me, and not bothered to ask about when we have caught up. I’m not the girl I once was, and I guess in a way I can thank you among others who have done me wrong for the strength I’ve found in myself to build my own life independently.
I bumped into a mutual friend a few months after not hearing from you, and asked how you were doing. And heard about the girlfriend you had. Who you had had probably when we’d been meeting. Like the last she obviously had something I didn’t. More fun? More danger? Or just more what you’re looking for. I don’t know. But I knew then what I’ve probably always known. You will forever make me jump through hoops, wonder what I did wrong, analyse the last conversations we had, wondered what I could have done differently, and how such soul mates can be apart, tell me about the “bond” we have, yet never have any intention of fulfilling the dreams I had for you and I. It wasn’t that you weren’t ready for another relationship. You just didn’t want one with me. And this has always been the case.
I will always wonder why when the feelings I have for you are so strong, that my pull towards you is so strong how it can be that we aren’t meant to be? That the feeling of love at first sight perhaps was only one way? And the years of “bond” were just one sided?
To me you were beautiful inside and out, and everything I would want in a partner. I would have been happy with you for the rest of my life. But you would never been pinned down. By me. Others have managed it. So it’s time to face, I’m just not the one.
You contacted me Christmas day. A short and sweet message, with a reference to the past but when I replied I heard nothing. You just test to see if I’m still around for you. And I always am. Like the predictable love sick puppy you have known me to be, but claim you didn’t know the extent of my feelings.

So. For 2012 I have to let this go. Fifteen years after we first met and as sure as I am for my feelings for you, I have to know they are not reciprocated. And you will always fall back on me when you need to because I allow you to.
You know how in love with you I am, you have always known. It’s how you know you can treat me the way you have and I’ll always be there when you come back.
I may never feel about anyone how I do you. I may never find that bond with anyone else. But I also don’t have it with you either. Not when it’s a one way street.
It makes me sad to think we’ll never be in each other’s lives again, but for myself, I have to make sure we’re not.
Typically there are ex’s from my past who constantly get in touch to see how the land lies and if we can try again and I feel for them, because I know how it feels to know the person you are supposed to be within your heart and mind doesn’t feel the same. And it hurts to know how I feel about them is how you feel about me!
But I have spent months and years analysing why you’ve behaved how you have and I’ll never know! I just don’t have what you need out of a girl and that’s ok. I will just have to be more open to the fact there are men out there I can have a bond with and who will love me back! And if there isn’t anyone out there for me, that’s ok too.
I wish you all the best. And from what I’ve seen you are very happy. And I hope you are. I hope you treat her well and appreciate you have someone in your life who feels the same for you as you do them.
It doesn’t matter how many people despair of my feelings for you, and why I would chase after someone in their eyes “not good enough” to me you are perfect.
I will always love you; you will always be my soul mate and male version of me! You will always make me smile, and I will never know why I wasn’t enough for you. You were my best friend, and no one wants more for you out of life than I do. I will miss you every day. But I can’t be your fall back any longer. I’m better than

Sunday, 25 December 2011

Single at Christmas

Merry Christmas one and all! I hope today has been a joyous day of family and loved one time and hopefully some yummy food and presents :)

This year was the first year I woke up alone. I have always stayed over at my families Christmas eve or lived with someone. It was strange!

Now normally I am thoroughly enjoying single life! I love the freedom, the independence and drama free lifestyle! But today it felt....kind of weird!

I felt as though it would actually be nice to wake up next to someone? nice to come home with someone Christmas eve and eat more food you dont really need! And watch Christmas TV.

I dont know. I've been single for three years now. (wow) And honestly have not done very well on the dating scene (some their fault, some mine.....but mostly theirs!);)

And I woke up thinking of someone from the past, and sent a Merry Christmas message. Its always been unfinished business, and honestly? I really dont know why I did it. But I got one back. It just didnt make me feel any better at all! And just makes me look and feel like I'll never let that one go! He's one of those people that you message then wish you hadnt even if he does reply because it will never be the reply you want!

I think there's one person in everyones past that has the ability to make them feel that way!

I've not really felt lonely very much until now. I've not ever worried about being single until now. But suddenly it feels like.....will it always be this way? Will I always be single now? Is this just how it is!

I have to be completely honest here and say I dont make much effort to meet men! I mean I go out with friends of course! But I want to see my friends! Not hook up with men. And the rest of the time I'm either working or sleeping after working so hard :) Which I also love by the way! Or visiting friends at their houses. I'm not big on the pub/club scene anymore.

So maybe you cant have it all? I have a job I love, a place I love, friends I love and that should be more than enough! I've been chasing a job I'll love for so long I shouldnt be feeling miserable about anything!!

Maybe its just Christmas time. And everyone is home with their boyfriends and families and I come home to an empty flat? But I have a lovely family I spent the day with and can now slob out giving myself mani pedi's and watch chick flicks eating chocolate! I guess there are some bonuses ;)x