The Notebook! Have I had mine??

Ok, so like most of the female population I love love LOVE the film The Notebook. I'm sure I would love the book too had I read it...which I haven't! (my bad)

I even know a lot of males who love this movie! It's just an amazing story about an amazing love. If you haven't seen it DO SO IMMEDIATELY! Although maybe not as a first date DVD kind of film as men....I cant promise you wont get as emotional as the girl you chose to watch it with!

Everyone knows this kind of love (I hope) if they don't they dream of it. The kind of love where you just need to spend every single waking moment with each other! Morning, noon and night. But you challenge each other enough to argue and fight, but make up immediately (and passionately!) afterwards!

I have had this kind of relationship I am pleased but yet sad to say.

Pleased that I experienced it. It was a love that I never thought possible. I honestly never ever knew love could consume you in such a way. From the moment our eyes met I knew he was going to be something...I didn't know what, I just knew he was special. And I still remember and cherish that memory to this day. He was leaving a building as I was entering and our eyes met and I knew.

We were both in "relationships" and I use that term loosely as we were so young at the time! But they soon fell by the wayside as we got to know each other and eventually fell in love.

We couldn't be apart, although on a few occasions we had to be, and it was torture, even a week away from him was more than I could cope with. We would talk for hours on the phone, we would write letters, we would be in constant contact as much as humanly possible!

I had school, he didn't but would meet me on break times, if he couldn't I'd be so disappointed and my day would drag until after school when we could meet again. It was crazy!

We fought, of course we fought! Worse fights than I've ever had with anyone I've ever known! But we always made up.

I just couldn't be without him! He was my best friend, my boyfriend, my world, he was everything and I couldn't bear to be apart from him and he felt the same. We were both smitten and it was a lovely yet emotional roller coaster time!

It makes me happy that I had this with someone, that I shared this with someone that I actually managed to allow myself to feel this for someone and open myself up to it. The good, the bad and the ugly! The loving times, the jealous times! The hurtful times, the changing times and the challenging times. There were so many ups and downs so many tears and tantrums but ultimately we loved each other more than anything.

***SPOILER ALERT***We didn't part as dramatically as the notebook when she is forced away from him by her parents but it was no less painful I'm sure. We were together for six years rather than a summer! And we grew apart and had to eventually say goodbye. I still look back on it fondly despite any messiness at the end of two confused almost adults wanting to move on but being scared to. But I am pleased to say both of us have gone on to do many great things and he met a girl he will soon marry and we can look back and smile at the love we had back then, the two crazy kids crazy about each other! And it makes me happy I've had that in my lifetime, some will never ever experience that kind of love in their life and it is truly an amazing and special thing. You don't perhaps appreciate it as much as you should at the time? But later on its something you wished you'd took time to appreciate more as it happened.

What makes me sad about the situation is....apart from the fact some may never experience this is that I already did? Does this mean I had my notebook love?? And its gone. Not that I'd want it back! Unlike Ally and Noah our love wasn't eternal, just the fondness was! But the relationships I've had since which admittedly were only two were nothing like the intensity I had with him back in those days.

Perhaps its because I'm older? Perhaps its because I'm more wary of hurt, of the damage that can be inflicted on you from opening up to someone and giving yourself so completely or maybe its just they weren't the one?

I didn't have the overwhelming urge to be with them all the time, I didn't even feel the need to see them every day! Is this because as I've aged I am more independent? Have I lost that innocence that allows you to be consumed by the other person completely?

Its not that Id want to be in someones pocket 24/7 like when I was young! I do have a life ;) but i want the FEELING of wanting to be with them 24/7!

And yes the notebook is movie love! And you cant expect movie love to happen in real life! But it does! For some people it really really does. I've had it, I've been there and it was amazing. And I appreciate having had this experience but am just sad that perhaps I experienced it so young and may never have it again! Its not something you can force, its not something you can push for, when it happens its out of your control and its amazing. You cant help but give in to it. And I do hope I have that again one day! But I guess I should just be pleased I ever had it at all.

Its a long fall from up there...

It is quite funny to me (not funny ha ha, funny strange) that I am still a single when some of my very close friends were married and are now being divorced. Funny in that they have done all that in the time I have....well not! Time has gone very quickly!

And I'm sad for those friends now going through divorces and also their children having to endure the upheaval. Many of us have been there from the children's point of view.

But what makes me even sadder than that are the "smug marrieds" and if you haven't read Bridget Jones to know what this means then please do! You're missing out! Its an incredibly funny book if nothing else!

But I digress.

Now the singletons of us all are more than used to the eternal questions at every opportunity those around us ask about our love life. "no man yet?" "not married yet" "HOW are you still single" etc etc etc. But the newly single especially recently divorced not by choice singles just aren't use to this concept. They are probably (if they're truly honest) used to being the question askers!

But the people I really cannot understand are those who pose as "friends" of the newly singled/divorced...who have been single/divorced themselves therefore know of the torment it arouses, pushing newly found relationships in the faces of all but especially the newly singled in some kind of "I've won/you've lost" rub it in their face manner.

I as a single am used to this kind of smug behaviour from those who have bagged a man and are in the honeymoon period and believe that this is "the one" and I don't begrudge their happiness one bit if its genuine! The smugness I do begrudge but that's another story! Luckily for me my nearest and dearest are not the smug kind! But I am finding increasingly these "smug" people are those that have been through messy breakups themselves and are homing in on the newly miserable singles!

Is this a single/attached war? Have you really only made it in life if you have a man at your side? Does nothing else matter? Such as career, well brought up children, independent happiness if there is no man to share it with?

I mean this excludes asking my grandmother as sadly no, a successful career, and numerous qualifications and graduations mean nothing to her unless a wedding is in the near future ;) but since when did people who are attached become so smug! And so....well mean!

I am wary of becoming this bitter and twisted single who resents those that are attached and can speak of nothing without name dropping their boyfriend/husband at every opportunity, and who no longer have plans unless it is an event where they attend "as a couple" Those friends I try to continually love despite knowing they have given up any independence to be their man's lapdog basically! I know as time goes on they will drift out of my life because their life is now their partner and that's fine! Nothing wrong with that, some women are happy with that as are some men for that matter.

But for those who feel they are better than anyone who is single? Who have been lucky enough to find love, or even find love a second/third time and forget how hard it can be being single, especially if single with children, or single with absolutely no choice in the matter, who's world has been turned upside down by the departure of their partner/love of their life (or so they thought) I would say be very very careful feeling "smug" , deliberately targeting newly singles to parade your new love and feeling that you have won some imaginary race in life because you never can tell what the future may hold, for any of us, and that rosy little bubble world you are living in, on the pedestal so far above the singles may one day be burst and come crashing down through no fault or choice of your own. And when it does....you will need those single friends to pick you up, dust you off and buy you a bloody big cocktail!x

Men?

I guess I can be quite easily confused. But the main confusion usually comes from some kind of mixed message. And these mixed messages usually come from the male species I have to say.

So. As we know I'm pretty much a man free zone. I would like to think its by choice? But also because I so very rarely meet anyone I feel a spark with. This again I hope explains my average of two dates a year. And I know many others in the same situation!

But this year, after getting to a 3rd date (wow) realised that again my run was up for the year! As I sat across the table from this single, available, witty, intelligent, successful, good looking man I realised....there was no spark.

Now. OK some people don't believe in sparks! But butterflies, "a feeling" whatever it is you should have in the beginning just wasn't happening! It was more a friend vibe.

After discussing this with numerous girlfriends and a couple of guy friends it was thought its me making excuses! Backing out? etc. I knew deep down it wasn't and later on got a text confirming so! He hadn't felt it either. Phew! Relief. It wasn't me. But we will stay friends and meet for the odd drink, you cant have too many friends I find.

So that's an OK ending? (apart from according to one of my girlfriends who feels I should have made more effort to force said "spark" on both me and him as clearly singledom is far worse a fate than forcing yourself to like someone you clearly don't!....lets not get started on that)

So we went on our merry way. Then a few weeks later (after discussing further dates he'd been on) he begins to mention meeting up in a dating kind of context and that he had felt a "spark".....yes......after telling me there had been none???

Now call me cynical? But I'm kind of thinking the dates he had gone on after ours perhaps didn't have as much flow? As we did have a lot to say! There was never any awkward silence which was great. But am I right or wrong in thinking he went on a few more and thought hmm....you know what? She wasn't that bad after all, maybe I should give it another go with that one?

Who knows! Needless to say I wont be experimenting to find out! At the risk of being in singledom for life I'd rather not take my chances on a man I didn't feel a spark with and who may have a friend like mine telling him to force one!

Then when I thought all was lost I met another guy. In such a short space of time is unheard of I promise you! And there was definitely a spark, literally from the moment he opened his mouth. He was lovely!

He was classic good looking but so cute, well dressed and so NICE! I as I have got older am a sucker for niceness! I think its something you realise is attractive after endless "exciting....but they aren't so exciting a few years in" dramaous bad boy nightmares!

I played it cool as I wasn't sure on his situation, but we had a lot to talk about and kept running into each other. And he then finally asked me for a drink! I was over the moon! And couldn't believe my luck that someone I actually liked liked me back?! (again its unheard of!) So I of course said I'd love to!

Nothing. Zilch, nada since! And we've spoken! On the phone, via text, and in person! But no drink has been mentioned!

So another wise friend (ha) said bring it up! You no longer have to wait to be asked! Girls can take the lead now.

I feel this is desperate! Beings he already asked me, I already said yes, and he's done nothing about it means he's not interested?! I'm sure dating hasn't changed that much over the years we now have to literally throw ourselves at their mercy. But OK...gave her the benefit of the doubt, she is in a better position than I to advise being in a functioning relationship and all so I brought it up ADMITTEDLY by text. And i just got a kiss back in return. That was it. Again said friend was sure I needed to be more upfront, not hint at it but directly ask?

WHY!!! I'd already said yes! Then opened up the topic again and by ignoring it had basically been shot down?! no???

Well I ignored her (phew I hear some of you say!) and asked a mans opinion! (brutal but honest) and he had this to say "he was interested when he asked you, but since then something has happened to put him off, either another girl he's met in between or something you did"

Hmmm! I had a feeling on the other girl front, don't like the thought it was something I did (probably looked as excited as I felt when I'd said yes to the drink!) but have to face facts it could well have been!

But tell me this. Why cant men just be straight forward!! Women are forever being joked about for being obsessive, over analysing freaks! But we have to be! As we're told there is no spark....then few weeks later (perhaps because we agreed and didn't argue the point?!) there now is a spark! And are asked out for drinks...accept and then never mentioned again!!

If you know a psychotic seeming female you should perhaps have a think at the confused mixed messages the poor soul is dealing with!x

Never for me!

I am not wanting to sound like a bitter and twisted old hag! I dont think I am one! So definitely dont want to sound like one! But sometimes things happen to people and I have to think....why not me!

It will sound unbelievably selfish when I write about this. UNBELIEVABLY! But its something I have to vent about.

A friend of mine got a wonderful present today from her boyfriend of three years. Wonderful wonderful present. And PLEASE dont get me wrong! I couldnt be happier for her! she deserves it as she is as wonderful as the gift!

But I have to ask myself...why is this never me?!

Now ok..having a boyfriend would help! Of course it would!! But even when I do have partners I have never ever ever once had a partner that was thoughtful, or even after years together knew what to buy me.

Now we are not talking expensive gifts. (although I'm only human....they wouldnt go amiss either!) but I mean thoughtful gifts. A token to show this person knows you as well as you know yourself.

I am not a secretive person! Are many females I wonder when it comes to likes and dislikes. And I have never found out why when I am so vocal about likes and dislikes I never have someone who knows just what to get me!

It's natural to be envious of those in loving relationships who's boyfriends continually spoil them with tokens of affection! But I have to ask...at the ripe old age of 30, when is my turn?!! If ever!x

Mortality

At some point in their lives everyone will be faced with the prospect of their own mortality. Whether it be the death or illness of someone else, or a possible life experience of their own.

To an already hypercondriac person the word "biopsy" is never a good one. And to be honest, I doubt it is for anyone!

The words "to rule out anything sinister" also do not instill confidence in someone who already thinks the worst.

Although I usually lean towards anxiety anyway this time I have decided there really isnt much point! As if there is anything "sinister" its already there! Worrying and panic will not change it. Sadly! If either of these things did help I'd have cured the world of conditions by now!

But it does have you questioning your life. Is it all you thought it would be, do you really live everyday like its your last?! Have you done anything you had always dreamed you would do should god forbid the absolute worst happen. (you will get used to my drama queen ways of thinking!)

Who can live every day like its their last? Honestly? If you thought today was going to be the last day of your life ever would you have gone to work? Of course not! But can you live that way?? No! We'd never go to work for fear today was the end! ha! And wouldnt have any money to live never mind do the things we wanted to do before the end appears!

It makes you question what you would do if you were in fact really unwell. Would you suddenly start cramming in lots of plans of travels? or see family and friends more? Jump out of planes? Would you go to church more because you really havent dragged yourself out of bed many times recently on a Sunday figuring god knows where you are and that you're thinking of him while you stay in your nice warm duvet! Should you start showing up now in case you are soon to join him?

Does afterlife even exist?! Is there any concrete proof that scientists havent argued their way out of?

It seriously starts your mind buzzing around with a lot of crazy stuff! But maybe some of it we should think about more often than if we get a shock to the system!x

Internet dating

So we're told this is how its done now and everyone meets on line EVERYONE! And some of us even know people or friends of friends who met online and are now married, engaged, and blissfully happy.

I am dubious of this way of dating.

Firstly how do you pick a site? Do you pick the free sites? Does this mean you or they arent as serious about dating as those who pay? If you go to the paid sites will you meet any better class of Miss or Mr than the free sites? Do you go to ones only friends can write the profile for you? Do you go to ones who promise if you fill out ten pages of questions and tests to have your soulmate ready and waiting.

Sure, this is what the internet is for now! Why should single people be confined to other singles in their social circle/small towns/work/local bars and so on's. And its no different to the idea of blind dating? Except you know what the person will look like!

But personality wise? It is in fact blind dating!

Yes you can chat via email/txt and even on the telephone. But that still does not mean when you meet in person the person you have had this so far technological relationship with will turn out to be exactly as you pictured them.

How? Why? I dont know! You do your home work, you check out all the pictures possible (all those that have dared to be posted on line anyway which are usually the good shots....lets be honest!) and you've had numerous online conversations about your past, your present, your work, your friends, it's just so easy to open up online!

You've spoken on the phone, chatting merrily away to this person you are building foundations with. But then you meet and just one thing can throw it all off. A laugh? A mannerism? Or just plain not having any chemistry once you are there in front of each other.

It is baffling to know why. After you spent so much time building up a friendship at the very least! But I guess online is no substitute for the spark you get when your eyes meet across a crowded room, or a mutual friend introduces you to the most gorgeous human being you have ever had the fortune to come across.

Nothing beats that! Not even a very good online picture!

Theres also the fact of everyone online is looking for someone. Thats a given, thats what its for after all. And a very good device it is too for some! But I cant help but wonder. Do people really meet their soulmate online or is it forced?

Yes yes I know this is a very cynical way of looking at things and I sincerely apologise to those who really did meet their Mr or Miss Right online. Truely! As of course with everything such as love at first sight....its got to be true for some people!

But I cant help but wonder is it settling? Do people go out on numerous dates with numerous people until they find one they can just "be" with.

Perhaps after date 3,4 or 10 they really do meet the one! Or do they just meet someone who's laugh doesnt grate right through them and are attractive enough they can picture a goodnight kiss!

Everyone online is looking for "someone" and I'm positive many are looking for "the one" but in such a forced environment (everyone you go on a date with...as long as you adjusted your dirtbag filters accordingly!) is looking for the same thing you are. So if they choose you....are you the one? Or just the best out of the bunch they dated? Would you ever know?!

The life of a hypercondriac

I may have mentioned on beginning this blog that I have an issue with anxiety. This can sometimes vanish for years at a time and other times it is always at the forefront of my mind.

I don't know where my hypochondriac tendencies come from. And is NOT an attractive trait to have. It's one that sadly cannot be hidden, as a hypochondriac requires constant reassurance from those around them. It is a very needy and very annoying (To those around them doing the reassuring!) condition to have.

There has not been one day this last two weeks that I have felt well. Not one. And these have ranged from an actual condition I needed antibiotics for (OK...that one was fair)...to perceived side effects ...(from the antibiotics) to possible actual real side effects (But we'll never know as I am such a hypochondriac/drama queen), to concerns that the feelings were then not side effects but a symptom of something else...and so it goes on.

Fellow hypochondriac's (as long as they realise that's what they are...some are in denial) will be nodding their heads very enthusiastically about now, those who are the strong "never ill" types will be rolling their eyes in disbelief that someone can worry over such trivial and pointless things.

I have to agree with the eye rollers!

In my line of work I deal with many health issues. (Others thankfully, not mine!) that range from hypochondriac's such as myself who are off with any small thing...toothache (that's fair, that can be horrific!) to being overtired, stress at work (welcome to my world) or headache/cold etc. Although not many people complain at colleagues staying home with colds as they are so contagious and awful when you catch one!

But I also have to deal with people with genuine illness or conditions. Such as to name a few...diabetes, although not an illness as such but a condition that requires constant monitoring and requires the individual to be vigilant in how they take care of themselves and can greatly affect their day to day life. Chrons disease, another debilitating condition, and then onto cancer and the real life threatening awful illnesses and conditions.

And here is the really funny thing. The people with the life threatening or life altering conditions I never hear a peep from. Not one. They never complain, they battle through immense treatments and appointments, exhaustion and whatever the day throws at them with such strength I can never imagine having within myself. I really cant. And I am in constant AWE of these people. Who battle to not only beat their disease (where cancer is concerned) and to stay alive in some cases, but still come to work! Still live their life! Still carry on as normal.

They put me to absolute shame. They really do and rightly so. And it does stop me in my tracks to think of all the years I have panicked and worried over the smallest ache, pain or gripe and what it could be or what it means and how these amazing people are staring these illnesses in the face and saying screw you!

Sadly it does not stop my hypochondriac tendencies completely. And that's my issue I need to deal with and learn how to let this go and stop wasting life worrying about "what if's" or maybe its just who I am and I wont ever change. Who knows. But I know, seeing these particular people I should know better.xxx

The buying v rent debate

It is drilled into us from a very young age that buying is the only option for us. Buy buy buy. You must own a property...more than one property! How will you ever know you've made it if you dont buy?

Renting is dead money. Its just paying off the landlords mortgage, they're making money while you sit in their house paying for it.

This is very true. BUT...if something breaks...for example a boiler (£900 I believe) that is not your £900! Not at all! It costs you a free phonecall if you have free contract minutes to your landlord to come and sort it!

Ok you may have a nightmare landlord who will do everything to avoid that! But on the whole they're good people!

If you buy you can decorate, yes, you have security, yes, you can make money hopefully when the market eventually picks up! Yes..and that would be great.

But I have to say of all my friends who rent or buy...the buyers are always struggling. I never ever hear how great they're doing, I only ever hear how poor they are. And these people earn good money! More than they should in some cases! But they just cant make ends meet.

They live on credit and limited food supplies!

My friends who rent however, I never ever hear anything from them about what a nightmare they're having money wise.

I cant really work out the difference I'll be honest, as in my experience of meeting with mortgage advisers the mortgages work out cheaper than rent in some cases.

I know if things go wrong they are at the buyers cost to fix, but surely that cant be a monthly occurance (or you'd hope not)

Renting also gives you a lot more freedom. I never know where I will want to end up, so I figure if I rent and can up and leave whenever I feel like it! Although the argument is if I buy I could rent it out and move?

The argument for owning a house in old age? Well....if god forbid you need a home they sell it to pay for it?! This does not seem like a benefit to me! If you rent they will have to house you...it may not be as classier a home! Admittedly! But still?

I think the current climate also influences peoples decisions.

I have seen many people lose their jobs sadly with how things have been. And the renters are obviously upset but ultimately their rent can be paid or at least get assistance, whereas the buyers can potentially not only lose their job but the home they spent so long saving for!

Its a hard decision, maybe I'll know the right answer when the times right?x

There's being single and FEELING single!

Sadly there is a difference between being single and feeling single!

Most of the time I LOVE being single I have to say, its great! I can do what I want, when I want with no one to "check with" and no one to have planned things for me without asking!

I can sit in watching dvds whilst painting my toenails, or waxing (sorry!!) tanning, hair treatmenting or whatever preening ritual I feel like! (It takes time boys!!)

Or I can walk my dog, visit girlfriends, go last minute shopping or just slob around in pyjamas! Doesnt sound exciting! But when you've been with someone for years you learn to appreciate "me time"

The only thing that can spoil singleness...is being made to feel single!! And sadly the people that make you feel this way are usually your friends.

I dont think they mean it! They're so caught up in coupledom its all that matters. That is now their universe and anything outside of it....well doesnt count as much anymore. (Sadly)

Now not everyone is like this, I was never like this with the previous boy but have been like it when I was younger (and learned not to be!)

But I can see why some of my friends are like it. Mainly because I think the guys they are with now? Are the ones they'll marry. So I get that.

Some....is because they're so desperate to keep a man they'll run around doing anything to ensure that happens (which it doesnt always!)

But the bit I hate...apart from women in general losing their identity in anyway for a man (easy to say when you're single and looking in from the outside! ha!) is the fact that their friends are somehow downgraded!

So I had plans with a girlfriend, but she cancelled. To do couple stuff! And this happens more and more! I am no longer a priority, but a backup plan. Being a single in a group of attached friends means I am the most available, (sad but true) so therefore can be cancelled on! As I will be available any old time!

Now this isnt true! I do have other friends who I see, and who hopefully dont always cancel! But I am increasingly finding myself alone at weekends because all my friends are attached and doing couple things! Wedding receptions, christening receptions, the boyf's families weddings/christenings/birthdays/engagements etc!

When you get a boyfriend, you take on his social life too sometimes once you know the family and his friends (and they hopefully like you!!)

But how long do you leave it before seeing the friend you used to see every week?

Months now it seems.

And sadly I am that friend!

I am so happy for my friends who are happy. They have been out with many a crazy/selfish/idiot in the past! So for them to have nice guys now who make them happy is great!

But it leaves me kind of nowhere when they keep cancelling as the boyfriend has a better offer!

Make new friends? Single ones? Well my friends are all from growing up together, I have known them so long! And they're all fab! I dont want to replace them! But maybe I do need a wider circle? Which in a small town is difficult!

So for now! I remain home alone at weekends with my dvd collection and pots of nail varnish!x

The lessons in life! - Business & Pleasure!

The thing is in this world we all learn the hard way whether we want to, mean to or not! Its just how it is.

I continually seem to learn this way, although I do find it is the most effective way of learning.

And you also learn no matter what, nothing is ever as it seems. Just when life begins to sale along nicely...something or someone will pull the rug from under you, and even if you're prepared or expected it, it still knocks you off course.

I think the worst type of lesson learned is that between business and pleasure. And it is THE most commonly learned lesson of them all. So if this sadly a lesson you have come across yourself, please dont feel bad! I believe everyone at some point or another has had to go through this lesson in life! And even the sharks of the world or those who would sell their grandmother for a sale or promotion learned it from somewhere!

We've all got pally with people from work, how can you not sometimes?! You guys spend more time with work colleagues than you do your own family. So its inevitable relationships will form.

Sometimes these relationships take you to a friendship with your Manager even. And even though you KNOW this is a bad road to go down, you head down it anyway! Your boss is great! Your boss is different, and down to earth and amazingly supportive and understanding. And they are. BUT.....only until something comes up to affect them. Then I'm afraid dear kiddies you are for the chopper.

And its not their fault, I have to stress. They want to be friends with everyone they work with, of course they do! Everyone wants a little family at work to make the day more enjoyable! But when it comes to promises and lies....they are not going to pull any punches.

As long as you're aware of that friend away your bosses and colleagues!

I think when the particular boss in question made the promises they made they thought they would come true, sadly they didnt and you cant help but feel cheated and resentful BUT you had to know it was coming! Ultimately their interests are themselves, then the organisation. Your friendship sadly....was just an innocent bystander.xxx

The ex files!!

I havent had that many boyfriends. Thankfully! The ones I've had drove me crazy enough!

But something I've learned over time with ex's are. There are different kinds?

There are the types of ex's who just vanish from your life forever. And that means even if they live in the same town or round the corner! You literally dont ever see them again! Like they vanish off the face of the earth!

There are the types who wont let it go. Ever! And continue to call, stalk, cry, and badger you and your friends until maybe its time to get a court order!

And then there's the kind you can be friends with.

Now this may not come across immediately! Sometimes it can take months or years to become friends with an ex. Its too soon? one of you wants to get back together? It makes it harder to move on etc etc. But for whatever reason and however long it takes (I do happen to think it cant be immediate, but some people carry it off) some ex's can stay in your life.

It's kind of comforting to know that all that love and time and closeness didnt vanish into thin air! And that a good solid honest friendship can come out of it.

Its also nice to see an ex do well. My first ever boyfriend has done amazingly well and thats so good to see. He was so young and all over the place when we were together, we both were, and for years after he just kind of bummed around and didnt have any focus. Now he's successful at what he does and is engaged to (I'm sure but havent met her so cant really say) a lovely girl who he's been with years. Its lovely to see.

My other ex's we have the odd chat on facebook randomly, and txts at birthdays and christmas etc. They too are doing well and its nice to see! There's no bad feeling for me anyway, and I guess not for them if they speak to me?!

But the most recent ex. Hmmmmm! It is a tough one!

We have remained friends more or less since the split. But only via txt and very very rarely phone and met up maybe 3 times in all? As I just dont think it's a good idea quite frankly!

He is an amazing friend. He really is, he would drop anything and can always be relied on and gives really good advice.

The problem is, is this fact stopping me meeting someone new?

Admittedly I'm not inundated with date offers! By any means! But I have been on dates (3 in total) with two guys in 15 months.

Is it because I have such a close relationship with my ex on a trust level that its hard for me to consider someone else? It just feels too weird? Almost like its cheating when its not! But maybe if we didnt speak I wouldnt feel that?

I mean he will be a hard act to follow. He isnt the greatest boyfriend sadly to which he will agree! He slobs out, he has no motivation and doesnt understand my career obsessed self.

Thats great! He just wants a stay at home wife who has no interest in aiming for the stars, travel etc. But thats not me. I need to break out of this town at some point! We were just going at different paces, I felt he was holding me back, he feels he's never good enough. etc!

But other than that, and some teething problems in the beginning we got on great! And laughed A LOT!

Ultimately I dont think I would end up with him and am not sure I ever thought I would. He was never going to be my happy ever after? Which sounds mean now but I just never thought he would be? But you have to think. In this amount of time. Why hasnt anyone else interested me? Why hasnt anyone else even raised my interest slightly? Even a crush would be nice!

Perhaps friends with an ex is no good until you really have moved on. Otherwise it just confuses the loyal girl brain!

It does not help when we split he started working out again. Why do men do that??

Dog walking!

Is there anything better than dog walking? I mean seriously?

Its so relaxing! Especially in the summer! And especially if you can pick a time where hardly anyone is around. So nice to wind down with a long old walk with your doggy! And they love it so much! Mine always trots along so happily! And looks up and smiles I'm sure of it!

So cute! So nice to do something nice for your pet and relaxing for you not to mention exercise!

Just fifteen minutes even! Walking in the lovely summer evening, peace and quiet and reflect on the day and wind down for the rest of the evening.

Cant beat it.

If you dont have a dog to walk get one! Or borrow one?! Nothing like it :) x

Queue the Hottie!

Well. Isn't it just ALWAYS the way!

You leave for work, a little later than planned as you took a bit too long in the shower this morning so something had to give. It's either your hair that you can fix once you get to work, or your makeup you can do at your desk, or your nails you can paint at your desk also (if you have nice bosses this is!) or you can eat breakfast on the run?

My giver was lip gloss.

No big deal of course! I meant to slap it in on as I left the car as without it the rest of my face looks ridiculously made up! And my lips pale and naked.

Girls of lip gloss love you will know what I'm talking about!

But I didn't! I ran from my car with my coffee to make it into the office in time and only had a few minutes to spare. Not long enough to lip gloss on the run! Besides its early! Who's going to know!

So run run run I go from the car, quick quick before boss gets in! Through the car park, down the side alley, across the atrium and BAM.....there he is.....Mr work hotty. Dam it!

Of course Mr work Hotty is only EVER around when I look awful!

One day I came in hair scraped back, barely a stitch of makeup, shoes that didn't match my outfit at all, flat shoes at that and the most unflattering coat I owned.

Hey! Sometimes?? We just cant be bothered ok! We're allowed one mishap day!

And there he was, everywhere I went! Urgh!

The days I think I look ok he's never around. Its sadly the law of the sod!

Now don't get me wrong, Mr Work Hotty is hot! of course! Or I wouldn't be calling him that! BUT.....I don't know if he'd be for me? I dunno! He seems lovely! Again don't get me wrong, he's great! But I don't know if I would actually want to date him? Or if its just the fact that he is hot I hate feeling rubbish around him?

But then if I didn't like him?.....would I care how I looked around him? ARGH!

ANYWAY...he was there and he had his back to me deep in conversation with someone who had just called him over, PERFECT! I can slide right on past unnoticed until I have sufficiently glossed! Fabulous.

So I walk very quickly and determinedly straight to the lifts when....uh oh.....another female colleague approaches and I try to seem like I haven't seen her but she doesn't care and out it comes "Heeeeeyy!!! Good morning you!!" as loud as was humanly possible without shouting! And of course Mr Hottie and guy he's chatting to spin round to see who he's yelling to.

Gee thanks for the thrust on me attention!

So I reply hey, and say hey to the guys as friendly as possible with my freaky pale lips and made up face and just keep heading for those stairs, run run run its ok they wont have seen I was far away! Right?!

So I'm two flights up...phew....until I hear a name.....my name??!! Uh oh....Its Mr Hotty calling up the stairs to me. Damit. My lack of gloss is foiled. I'm forced to wait and make conversation. Minus lip gloss.

Over reacting???? Well you've clearly never had a hotty at work then! ;) xxx

Shopaholic annonymous for me soon!

I dont know about you guys but I have been a recovering shopaholic for quite a few years.

Well. I was!

I used to be out of CONTROL! I mean seriously out of control! I would not pay a bill so I could get a pair of shoes instead!

I would get paid on the Friday, the last Friday of the month (cuuuute) I would pay mama her rent and that would be IT! The rest? Clothes! Shoes, bags, belts, makeup! Whatever I could get my hands on! I would go out at 12pm on the dot, and I would return at 12.50pm barely able to open the office doors for all the shopping bags I had! And there was no better feeling in the world!

Ok I had no money to go out and wear the stuff I'd bought! Although I used to go anyway! But I just loved having new things. And go out in more than one outfit? Hell no! It just wouldn't happen! Not a chance!

Over the years it kind of got worse! And I got in debt and sadly lost my job! And couldn't pay it back.

I did eventually when i got a new job! But my credit was shot so no more cards or store cards, catalogues for me! Uh uh! That was it.

It was frustrating at times! When things came up like renting our first flat! And I needed a guarantor! But all in all it was probably a good thing I could only spend cash I had!

As the years passed by I guess my credit rating must have improved? I'm not sure how! I guess because I'd paid it and over time it fell off the bottom.

But I wasn't silly. I had credit cards but with reasonable limits and didnt exceed them.

Hmmmm

But that demon is still there girls! Dormant! Don't you believe its gone!

I decided to redecorate. Yes. A new single life needed a new single look! Out with the old and in with the sophisticated new! And it looks great! Admittedly! But of course the cards begin to creep out....slightly! Ok muchly!! But it was ok because I would pay it all off before the interest started.

Well I would have done, had I not booked a holiday of course! But that was ok....I would pay that off in time to go and save spending money.....that would have happened had I not needed "stuff" for holiday! And this is the problem now!! Everything I get "I need for holiday"

So I looked up sunglasses online...wow ok buy now pay 2011 that sounds great.....but do I want these or these? Or these or those?? Hmmm why not get three and send back the two you dont like? Only I didnt!! I liked them all!

Finished my exams....deserved a treat right?? And look at that....a shiny new TV with DVD player...I mean hey? My DVD player broke! I do need a new one?? And when I buy my house I will need a new TV for the living room? And so a new TV was purchased :/ ok it wasnt expensive but still!

And then an iPod dock to die for is in the sale, which is also an alarm clock with massive numnbers on it! So I dont need to put my glasses on in the night to see it. Love it, need it! It has two alarms for a couple! (If I ever become a couple!) and it has a week and weekend alarm! Amazing! Thats a bargain!

But I dont have an ipod???

Hmmm

But I do NEED one of those as Im going on holiday soon? You see the trouble it leads to!!!

Before you know it every card is completely maxed again! And I have my holiday to go on yet!

I'm lying if I say this compulsive behaviour has any chance of stopping before I'm back! As everything is either "for my holiday" or "I deserve if for studying" or "I've worked hard for this" etc!

The it will be "I'm on holiday" and "I'm sad that I'm back from holiday"

I need to get on the housing ladder! No more spending!!............after holiday! Come on! I'm pretty much spent out before I even get there! Yikes!

This is far better than how I look today!

OK, I have been wallowing enough feeling rubbish! Tomorrow I have to get back out into the world after 3 days of hibernation! Put a face on and get out there show them how it's done!

I just have these periods of time where I just want to lock myself away with my DVD's and fantasy world for a bit! To not deal with drama, or problems, or even day to day necessity! Just sit, alone, chill, watch films, dream, cry, think, reflect, sleep and regroup my brain!

It doesn't feel like I've had long enough, maybe I haven't! But back to business tomorrow. Promotion hangs in the balance and if I cant get myself out of this funk I got to decide whether I even want it!x

Friendship overhaul

Something I've noticed as I'm nearing the end of my 20's is friendships.

I have spent most of my life so far keeping hold of as many friends as possible. Seriously I'm not kidding! I have done anything and everything to keep friends in my life, bordering on obsession! I just refuse to let friendships fall by the wayside!

Most of my friendships are from school days, some pre school days even. I have literally grown up with these people! And so consider them family pretty much!

Now. This does not mean all of them treat me particularly well I have realised. And the older I get the worse some of them treat me it has to be said!

BUT I don't blame THEM for that?! Why would I?! After all, I'm the one who's always around! Good old reliable me! Always there no matter what! And if they haven't spoken to me in a while, returned my calls or got back to me on when to meet up it doesn't matter! As when they do I'm here waiting and overjoyed to hear from them like a reliable Labrador!

I even put my own relationship second to these friendships. I didn't even consider it an equal relationship, I considered it less important than my friendships.

I was so consumed by panic that I would be considered "one of those girls" who gives up her social life and friends for a man I put him behind all of my friendships. And he used to point out how badly some of them treat me but I wouldn't listen! I just thought it was sour grapes that I was spending time with them and not him.

Now. This in no way reflects all of my friendships. No sirree!!! I am so so lucky in the true friends that I do have. Oh my god one of my friends is the most thoughtful, caring, considerate friend I could ever have the good fortune to have! You couldn't even wish up a greater friend! I'm serious! And I am more than lucky to have more than one of these such people, she is just the most special.

Now friends do come and go out of your life. They do! Its a part of life! And its fine that way. But these friends from school I have always had in my life. But recently I have had to question why?

Is it just because they've always been there? Is it loyalty, a sense of belonging? Who knows?

Over the years things have changed. Some have got married, some have had kids, many have had kids actually, some are now getting divorced or going through messy breakups, some have moved, some have even emigrated! But you know what? The true friends and I mean the true true friends none of that matters. None of it. We will keep in touch by phone, email, social networking or any way we can find! We may not always meet but when we do its like nothing has changed and we speak daily somehow (usually on email!)

But others. Well others! They take the fact when we speak that nothing has changed as a right to treat me however they wish?! And I've always put up with it! Or apologised for the way they treat me!? I've sat and wondered why they've been so mean, so upsetting and not cared? What I've done to make them that way. Its because I let them!

So in this year alone I have already lost 3 long term friends. I say long term not "good" friends because looking at it now I know they're not, and haven't been for a while.

My ex tried to tell me, my family have always tried to tell me! Other good friends have tried to tell me but I wouldn't listen. I just wouldn't have it! These people are more or less family and although it was OK for me to have a bitch and a moan about them it wasn't OK for others you know?!

But one friend I cut out completely when I realised I could no longer trust her at all, and her sole purpose in life was to cause trouble and drama anyway she knew how irrespective of who was hurt along the way.

I had been warned about this person since school days really! But I'd never had reason to not trust her. Or so I thought. Now looking back I had had many warning signs, I just ignored them and turned a blind eye.

Another friend I realised wasn't a true friend was when I had to let her down which I have never done before. I had spent a lot of time and effort on a beautiful card and thoughtful gift that still sit here opposite me. As when I had to let her down she screamed at me in front of people and slammed the phone down. I would never let people down without an insanely good reason which she would know if she knew me, or cared? We have spoken since briefly, I had apologised all I could for having to break our plans and explained my reasons why. I never got an acknowledgement or even an apology for the manner she spoke to me. All I have had since is a text asking about her present. I hope when she receives it she realises how much thought when into it and feels bad for thinking I didn't do everything I could to get there.

Another I had hoped to celebrate her birthday with but who never got back to me with plans. Shes a quiet sort who doesn't always like to make a fuss but knew what I was getting her and arranged me to pop over to deliver it in time. Which I did. Where I found out she had many celebration plans. Just none including me, but other friends.

And you know what? That's OK!! Her other friends have so many more things in common with her than I do, as my friends do me! She maybe didn't want to make plans with me because...well....we don't enjoy any of the same things! None!

Same as the friend I let down. Her celebration was my idea of hell! A living hell! But I still went all out as it was her choice.

Neither ways of celebrating was my idea of fun, and neither probably think mine are! We have nothing in common anymore. At all.

I think I try to keep them in my life for fear I'll have no friends left! On speaking to others this is a common fear! That if we get rid of friends we've always had because they treat us badly or we no longer have a good time with them we'll have no one!

But if these friends were men they'd be long gone! No way would I put up with being let down, yelled at, put down and made to cry I feel so bad about myself! A friendship should be fun and motivational and trusting and love!

Now apart from the trouble making girl it doesn't mean I cant have the others in my life at all! That's just silly! The odd call, social network, or emails are fine! But maybe pressure to keep a friendship going with nights out that one of you hates or dodging making plans (like the birthday girl) isn't necessary! Just accept you are no longer a big part of the persons life and that's that!

If either one of them called me with an emergency id be there without a doubt, and so would they for me I'm sure. It doesn't mean we have to play out a "pretend" enthusiasm in the meantime to keep things going.

I have very few great friends who don't make me feel that way! And by that I mean I could count those friends on one hand! Literally! And I don't get to see them a lot, but when I do I LOVE it and have the best time! Time flies in fact!

And the whole having to stay in more if I don't see these other friends anymore? Well I've kind of decided....staying in isn't so bad! When I go out with the ones I have nothing in common with I have a bad time. One is reliving her youth now her children are growing up and one constantly moans she doesn't want to be out.

Am I truly missing a lot by staying in?? I'm usually clock watching anyway!

It just means the rare nights out I have with my real friends are amazingly great, funny and crazy and keep me buzzing until the next meeting on what antics we'll get up to next! As its about catching up on gossip, relationship's, work and plans for the future. Its not making awkward small talk and trying to talk about other people as a distraction to the fact we have nothing to say anymore. It doesn't have to be a bar or club or cinema or even dinner! It can be round at our houses with a cup of tea and junk food! Just being with them is enough.

And funnily enough the ex who always warned me about the friends who treat me badly?! Ended up being a better friend than some of the old skool friends put together! Isn't life funny!

So I guess what I'm saying is its quality not quantity for me where friendships are concerned! And no longer will I hold on to people who I have nothing in common with or who make me feel bad about myself just because I'm scared to let the familiarity of our relationship go.

I wouldn't settle to be with a man, why should I settle for it in any other areas of my life?xxx

Its a massive world after all!

I feel like. I have worked very hard to become qualified in my chosen field. I mean worked worked and worked some more! But am I wasted here? I mean its SUCH a massive world out there? Seriously massive! And I've only seen a tiny part of it! Is my future here? Or could it be elsewhere?

I dont feel I want to settle here I'll be honest! And my current role is boring me to say the least! If i dont get the promotion I've been gunning for I shall be a) disappointed and b) leaving!

They say never stay in a job longer than 3 years. I wonder if this counts if you get a promotion?

I do love the job, just the people are driving me crazy. I need young fresh ideas to bounce off.

I dunno. I have a lot to say today!x

A wallow day!

Everyones entitled to a wallow day huh? Well mine is now two days in fairness! All I've done is laze around in my pyjamas watching back to back chick flicks and eating when i can be bothered to move!

I am not usually this lazy I have to say! But once as month for a day or two I give in! I'm sure many of you girls can relate to what time of month that is!!

You know these chick flicks just arent always good for you! Is this why I've been single so long? Is this why I've been single in the first place!

Did I throw away a completely perfect guy because we didnt have "movie love"

He never went out of his way to declare undying love! (Unless he was in trouble)

OK, OK when we fought, he would mention things he COULD do to change, or COULD do that I'd like. But did he ever show up at my house with the ring he'd promised for near on 3 years? No! Did he whisk me away on a foreign holiday whether I paid for myself or not just to "get away from it all" ...again no. Did he make a fool of himself turning up at some event where everyone we know is there to declare he cant live without me and cant believe he'd been such a fool. .....that again would be a no. And did he even change the little things he said he would? You guessed it. Big fat no!

But do guys really do this? I mean honestly and truely DO THEY DO THIS!! In the real world?

I have to say in my experience they dont? And this could purely be because despite what they said or even thought at the time I wasnt the one for them! Empty words is all they dished out because ultimately I wasnt worth more than that? Not in a bad way!! I mean subconsciously I wasnt for them in the long run.

OK I havent had VAST experience! And my taste in men is somewhat.....challenging to say the least! But every guy I split with who was silly enough to want to try again never pulled any of this crap! And i have to say....if they did? Maybe I would be as swept away as the women in the films are! Maybe I would try again! (Not that I didnt in the case of two of them)

I dunno, when i've given a guy a 2nd, 3rd foolishly 4th chance they have been nice? Sure! Theyve taken me for dinner...ok fair enough. But thats crap they should be doing anyway!

Did any of them chase me to stop me going anywhere before they lost me forever? No! And ok in fairness I havent gone anywhere! But thats the point! They havent even showed up where they know I'll be! Or even sent flowers!

Am I expecting too much and thats why I'll always be eternally disappointed? Always eternally wishing I had what these movie girls have?

OR am I just not afraid to want that! And not afraid to wait for that! And if it doesnt come? Well. To hell with it I'll have a bunch of cats! Cats are....ok? ish?

It seems I'm asking for a lot I know. But I have spent a number of years on guys I thought at the time was "the one" but when things began to unravel realised....they werent! They would "just do" you know?

Screw that! Its not what I want. At all!

And if movie love never comes? Then screw that too! I've been spoilt now with all these DVDs that sit before me!

I'm not completely ungrateful! (I'm thinking men reading this are thinking well my dear...this is why youre almost 30 and single!)

But I promise you guys! Most girls want this! Deep down even if they dont realise it! They want this!!!!

My last boyfriend who I was with for over 5 years didnt even have a clue what to get me for my birthday. not one clue! I'm not joking! After 5 years? His excuse being? "He's rubbish at presents"

He'd take me shopping to pick something.

ok ok, thats not as bad as forgetting my birthday I admit! Or not getting me anything at all! True! but after 5 years? He couldnt even think of one single tiny thing I'd like??

You know girls as well as I do its not about money! And flashing the cash! If he'd even bought me my favourite shower gel, chocolate bar and drink I'd be touched he at least KNEW what I liked!! but he had no clue!

I guess I could be single a while longer huh?

But all my boyfriends end up...well like Big on SATC 2! on the couch! Lazy and uninterested despite my efforts to "keep it fresh" because I think ultimately thats what men want. Someone to sit in with! To eat with, to just "be" with. I think men as they get older stop going out so much, especially when they meet "their one" or, just someone they can settle with as I'm not so sure men are as bothered with "the one" as women are in my experience anyway!

But as Carrie said in SATC2, they have chosen you to spend their couch time with you know?

In regards to my ex there are so many many women who would have loved to be the girl he shared the sofa with every night! But I felt was boredom, frustration and resentment at being told to "sssh" as something good was on.

I dunno, I guess the day I'm sitting on the sofa for the 100th time in a row with a man...look over and am just happy to be there with him and nowhere else I will know I have the one? I wont need mad gestures and such? As he'll have enough gestures everyday that let me know I'm the one? And he is too?

Who knows! Here's to over a year over singledom and thank the lord I dont surround my life around being in a relationship! It means when I have one it will be so worth the wait :) xxx