The ex files!!

I havent had that many boyfriends. Thankfully! The ones I've had drove me crazy enough!

But something I've learned over time with ex's are. There are different kinds?

There are the types of ex's who just vanish from your life forever. And that means even if they live in the same town or round the corner! You literally dont ever see them again! Like they vanish off the face of the earth!

There are the types who wont let it go. Ever! And continue to call, stalk, cry, and badger you and your friends until maybe its time to get a court order!

And then there's the kind you can be friends with.

Now this may not come across immediately! Sometimes it can take months or years to become friends with an ex. Its too soon? one of you wants to get back together? It makes it harder to move on etc etc. But for whatever reason and however long it takes (I do happen to think it cant be immediate, but some people carry it off) some ex's can stay in your life.

It's kind of comforting to know that all that love and time and closeness didnt vanish into thin air! And that a good solid honest friendship can come out of it.

Its also nice to see an ex do well. My first ever boyfriend has done amazingly well and thats so good to see. He was so young and all over the place when we were together, we both were, and for years after he just kind of bummed around and didnt have any focus. Now he's successful at what he does and is engaged to (I'm sure but havent met her so cant really say) a lovely girl who he's been with years. Its lovely to see.

My other ex's we have the odd chat on facebook randomly, and txts at birthdays and christmas etc. They too are doing well and its nice to see! There's no bad feeling for me anyway, and I guess not for them if they speak to me?!

But the most recent ex. Hmmmmm! It is a tough one!

We have remained friends more or less since the split. But only via txt and very very rarely phone and met up maybe 3 times in all? As I just dont think it's a good idea quite frankly!

He is an amazing friend. He really is, he would drop anything and can always be relied on and gives really good advice.

The problem is, is this fact stopping me meeting someone new?

Admittedly I'm not inundated with date offers! By any means! But I have been on dates (3 in total) with two guys in 15 months.

Is it because I have such a close relationship with my ex on a trust level that its hard for me to consider someone else? It just feels too weird? Almost like its cheating when its not! But maybe if we didnt speak I wouldnt feel that?

I mean he will be a hard act to follow. He isnt the greatest boyfriend sadly to which he will agree! He slobs out, he has no motivation and doesnt understand my career obsessed self.

Thats great! He just wants a stay at home wife who has no interest in aiming for the stars, travel etc. But thats not me. I need to break out of this town at some point! We were just going at different paces, I felt he was holding me back, he feels he's never good enough. etc!

But other than that, and some teething problems in the beginning we got on great! And laughed A LOT!

Ultimately I dont think I would end up with him and am not sure I ever thought I would. He was never going to be my happy ever after? Which sounds mean now but I just never thought he would be? But you have to think. In this amount of time. Why hasnt anyone else interested me? Why hasnt anyone else even raised my interest slightly? Even a crush would be nice!

Perhaps friends with an ex is no good until you really have moved on. Otherwise it just confuses the loyal girl brain!

It does not help when we split he started working out again. Why do men do that??

Dog walking!

Is there anything better than dog walking? I mean seriously?

Its so relaxing! Especially in the summer! And especially if you can pick a time where hardly anyone is around. So nice to wind down with a long old walk with your doggy! And they love it so much! Mine always trots along so happily! And looks up and smiles I'm sure of it!

So cute! So nice to do something nice for your pet and relaxing for you not to mention exercise!

Just fifteen minutes even! Walking in the lovely summer evening, peace and quiet and reflect on the day and wind down for the rest of the evening.

Cant beat it.

If you dont have a dog to walk get one! Or borrow one?! Nothing like it :) x

Queue the Hottie!

Well. Isn't it just ALWAYS the way!

You leave for work, a little later than planned as you took a bit too long in the shower this morning so something had to give. It's either your hair that you can fix once you get to work, or your makeup you can do at your desk, or your nails you can paint at your desk also (if you have nice bosses this is!) or you can eat breakfast on the run?

My giver was lip gloss.

No big deal of course! I meant to slap it in on as I left the car as without it the rest of my face looks ridiculously made up! And my lips pale and naked.

Girls of lip gloss love you will know what I'm talking about!

But I didn't! I ran from my car with my coffee to make it into the office in time and only had a few minutes to spare. Not long enough to lip gloss on the run! Besides its early! Who's going to know!

So run run run I go from the car, quick quick before boss gets in! Through the car park, down the side alley, across the atrium and BAM.....there he is.....Mr work hotty. Dam it!

Of course Mr work Hotty is only EVER around when I look awful!

One day I came in hair scraped back, barely a stitch of makeup, shoes that didn't match my outfit at all, flat shoes at that and the most unflattering coat I owned.

Hey! Sometimes?? We just cant be bothered ok! We're allowed one mishap day!

And there he was, everywhere I went! Urgh!

The days I think I look ok he's never around. Its sadly the law of the sod!

Now don't get me wrong, Mr Work Hotty is hot! of course! Or I wouldn't be calling him that! BUT.....I don't know if he'd be for me? I dunno! He seems lovely! Again don't get me wrong, he's great! But I don't know if I would actually want to date him? Or if its just the fact that he is hot I hate feeling rubbish around him?

But then if I didn't like him?.....would I care how I looked around him? ARGH!

ANYWAY...he was there and he had his back to me deep in conversation with someone who had just called him over, PERFECT! I can slide right on past unnoticed until I have sufficiently glossed! Fabulous.

So I walk very quickly and determinedly straight to the lifts when....uh oh.....another female colleague approaches and I try to seem like I haven't seen her but she doesn't care and out it comes "Heeeeeyy!!! Good morning you!!" as loud as was humanly possible without shouting! And of course Mr Hottie and guy he's chatting to spin round to see who he's yelling to.

Gee thanks for the thrust on me attention!

So I reply hey, and say hey to the guys as friendly as possible with my freaky pale lips and made up face and just keep heading for those stairs, run run run its ok they wont have seen I was far away! Right?!

So I'm two flights up...phew....until I hear a name.....my name??!! Uh oh....Its Mr Hotty calling up the stairs to me. Damit. My lack of gloss is foiled. I'm forced to wait and make conversation. Minus lip gloss.

Over reacting???? Well you've clearly never had a hotty at work then! ;) xxx

Shopaholic annonymous for me soon!

I dont know about you guys but I have been a recovering shopaholic for quite a few years.

Well. I was!

I used to be out of CONTROL! I mean seriously out of control! I would not pay a bill so I could get a pair of shoes instead!

I would get paid on the Friday, the last Friday of the month (cuuuute) I would pay mama her rent and that would be IT! The rest? Clothes! Shoes, bags, belts, makeup! Whatever I could get my hands on! I would go out at 12pm on the dot, and I would return at 12.50pm barely able to open the office doors for all the shopping bags I had! And there was no better feeling in the world!

Ok I had no money to go out and wear the stuff I'd bought! Although I used to go anyway! But I just loved having new things. And go out in more than one outfit? Hell no! It just wouldn't happen! Not a chance!

Over the years it kind of got worse! And I got in debt and sadly lost my job! And couldn't pay it back.

I did eventually when i got a new job! But my credit was shot so no more cards or store cards, catalogues for me! Uh uh! That was it.

It was frustrating at times! When things came up like renting our first flat! And I needed a guarantor! But all in all it was probably a good thing I could only spend cash I had!

As the years passed by I guess my credit rating must have improved? I'm not sure how! I guess because I'd paid it and over time it fell off the bottom.

But I wasn't silly. I had credit cards but with reasonable limits and didnt exceed them.

Hmmmm

But that demon is still there girls! Dormant! Don't you believe its gone!

I decided to redecorate. Yes. A new single life needed a new single look! Out with the old and in with the sophisticated new! And it looks great! Admittedly! But of course the cards begin to creep out....slightly! Ok muchly!! But it was ok because I would pay it all off before the interest started.

Well I would have done, had I not booked a holiday of course! But that was ok....I would pay that off in time to go and save spending money.....that would have happened had I not needed "stuff" for holiday! And this is the problem now!! Everything I get "I need for holiday"

So I looked up sunglasses online...wow ok buy now pay 2011 that sounds great.....but do I want these or these? Or these or those?? Hmmm why not get three and send back the two you dont like? Only I didnt!! I liked them all!

Finished my exams....deserved a treat right?? And look at that....a shiny new TV with DVD player...I mean hey? My DVD player broke! I do need a new one?? And when I buy my house I will need a new TV for the living room? And so a new TV was purchased :/ ok it wasnt expensive but still!

And then an iPod dock to die for is in the sale, which is also an alarm clock with massive numnbers on it! So I dont need to put my glasses on in the night to see it. Love it, need it! It has two alarms for a couple! (If I ever become a couple!) and it has a week and weekend alarm! Amazing! Thats a bargain!

But I dont have an ipod???

Hmmm

But I do NEED one of those as Im going on holiday soon? You see the trouble it leads to!!!

Before you know it every card is completely maxed again! And I have my holiday to go on yet!

I'm lying if I say this compulsive behaviour has any chance of stopping before I'm back! As everything is either "for my holiday" or "I deserve if for studying" or "I've worked hard for this" etc!

The it will be "I'm on holiday" and "I'm sad that I'm back from holiday"

I need to get on the housing ladder! No more spending!!............after holiday! Come on! I'm pretty much spent out before I even get there! Yikes!

This is far better than how I look today!

OK, I have been wallowing enough feeling rubbish! Tomorrow I have to get back out into the world after 3 days of hibernation! Put a face on and get out there show them how it's done!

I just have these periods of time where I just want to lock myself away with my DVD's and fantasy world for a bit! To not deal with drama, or problems, or even day to day necessity! Just sit, alone, chill, watch films, dream, cry, think, reflect, sleep and regroup my brain!

It doesn't feel like I've had long enough, maybe I haven't! But back to business tomorrow. Promotion hangs in the balance and if I cant get myself out of this funk I got to decide whether I even want it!x

Friendship overhaul

Something I've noticed as I'm nearing the end of my 20's is friendships.

I have spent most of my life so far keeping hold of as many friends as possible. Seriously I'm not kidding! I have done anything and everything to keep friends in my life, bordering on obsession! I just refuse to let friendships fall by the wayside!

Most of my friendships are from school days, some pre school days even. I have literally grown up with these people! And so consider them family pretty much!

Now. This does not mean all of them treat me particularly well I have realised. And the older I get the worse some of them treat me it has to be said!

BUT I don't blame THEM for that?! Why would I?! After all, I'm the one who's always around! Good old reliable me! Always there no matter what! And if they haven't spoken to me in a while, returned my calls or got back to me on when to meet up it doesn't matter! As when they do I'm here waiting and overjoyed to hear from them like a reliable Labrador!

I even put my own relationship second to these friendships. I didn't even consider it an equal relationship, I considered it less important than my friendships.

I was so consumed by panic that I would be considered "one of those girls" who gives up her social life and friends for a man I put him behind all of my friendships. And he used to point out how badly some of them treat me but I wouldn't listen! I just thought it was sour grapes that I was spending time with them and not him.

Now. This in no way reflects all of my friendships. No sirree!!! I am so so lucky in the true friends that I do have. Oh my god one of my friends is the most thoughtful, caring, considerate friend I could ever have the good fortune to have! You couldn't even wish up a greater friend! I'm serious! And I am more than lucky to have more than one of these such people, she is just the most special.

Now friends do come and go out of your life. They do! Its a part of life! And its fine that way. But these friends from school I have always had in my life. But recently I have had to question why?

Is it just because they've always been there? Is it loyalty, a sense of belonging? Who knows?

Over the years things have changed. Some have got married, some have had kids, many have had kids actually, some are now getting divorced or going through messy breakups, some have moved, some have even emigrated! But you know what? The true friends and I mean the true true friends none of that matters. None of it. We will keep in touch by phone, email, social networking or any way we can find! We may not always meet but when we do its like nothing has changed and we speak daily somehow (usually on email!)

But others. Well others! They take the fact when we speak that nothing has changed as a right to treat me however they wish?! And I've always put up with it! Or apologised for the way they treat me!? I've sat and wondered why they've been so mean, so upsetting and not cared? What I've done to make them that way. Its because I let them!

So in this year alone I have already lost 3 long term friends. I say long term not "good" friends because looking at it now I know they're not, and haven't been for a while.

My ex tried to tell me, my family have always tried to tell me! Other good friends have tried to tell me but I wouldn't listen. I just wouldn't have it! These people are more or less family and although it was OK for me to have a bitch and a moan about them it wasn't OK for others you know?!

But one friend I cut out completely when I realised I could no longer trust her at all, and her sole purpose in life was to cause trouble and drama anyway she knew how irrespective of who was hurt along the way.

I had been warned about this person since school days really! But I'd never had reason to not trust her. Or so I thought. Now looking back I had had many warning signs, I just ignored them and turned a blind eye.

Another friend I realised wasn't a true friend was when I had to let her down which I have never done before. I had spent a lot of time and effort on a beautiful card and thoughtful gift that still sit here opposite me. As when I had to let her down she screamed at me in front of people and slammed the phone down. I would never let people down without an insanely good reason which she would know if she knew me, or cared? We have spoken since briefly, I had apologised all I could for having to break our plans and explained my reasons why. I never got an acknowledgement or even an apology for the manner she spoke to me. All I have had since is a text asking about her present. I hope when she receives it she realises how much thought when into it and feels bad for thinking I didn't do everything I could to get there.

Another I had hoped to celebrate her birthday with but who never got back to me with plans. Shes a quiet sort who doesn't always like to make a fuss but knew what I was getting her and arranged me to pop over to deliver it in time. Which I did. Where I found out she had many celebration plans. Just none including me, but other friends.

And you know what? That's OK!! Her other friends have so many more things in common with her than I do, as my friends do me! She maybe didn't want to make plans with me because...well....we don't enjoy any of the same things! None!

Same as the friend I let down. Her celebration was my idea of hell! A living hell! But I still went all out as it was her choice.

Neither ways of celebrating was my idea of fun, and neither probably think mine are! We have nothing in common anymore. At all.

I think I try to keep them in my life for fear I'll have no friends left! On speaking to others this is a common fear! That if we get rid of friends we've always had because they treat us badly or we no longer have a good time with them we'll have no one!

But if these friends were men they'd be long gone! No way would I put up with being let down, yelled at, put down and made to cry I feel so bad about myself! A friendship should be fun and motivational and trusting and love!

Now apart from the trouble making girl it doesn't mean I cant have the others in my life at all! That's just silly! The odd call, social network, or emails are fine! But maybe pressure to keep a friendship going with nights out that one of you hates or dodging making plans (like the birthday girl) isn't necessary! Just accept you are no longer a big part of the persons life and that's that!

If either one of them called me with an emergency id be there without a doubt, and so would they for me I'm sure. It doesn't mean we have to play out a "pretend" enthusiasm in the meantime to keep things going.

I have very few great friends who don't make me feel that way! And by that I mean I could count those friends on one hand! Literally! And I don't get to see them a lot, but when I do I LOVE it and have the best time! Time flies in fact!

And the whole having to stay in more if I don't see these other friends anymore? Well I've kind of decided....staying in isn't so bad! When I go out with the ones I have nothing in common with I have a bad time. One is reliving her youth now her children are growing up and one constantly moans she doesn't want to be out.

Am I truly missing a lot by staying in?? I'm usually clock watching anyway!

It just means the rare nights out I have with my real friends are amazingly great, funny and crazy and keep me buzzing until the next meeting on what antics we'll get up to next! As its about catching up on gossip, relationship's, work and plans for the future. Its not making awkward small talk and trying to talk about other people as a distraction to the fact we have nothing to say anymore. It doesn't have to be a bar or club or cinema or even dinner! It can be round at our houses with a cup of tea and junk food! Just being with them is enough.

And funnily enough the ex who always warned me about the friends who treat me badly?! Ended up being a better friend than some of the old skool friends put together! Isn't life funny!

So I guess what I'm saying is its quality not quantity for me where friendships are concerned! And no longer will I hold on to people who I have nothing in common with or who make me feel bad about myself just because I'm scared to let the familiarity of our relationship go.

I wouldn't settle to be with a man, why should I settle for it in any other areas of my life?xxx

Its a massive world after all!

I feel like. I have worked very hard to become qualified in my chosen field. I mean worked worked and worked some more! But am I wasted here? I mean its SUCH a massive world out there? Seriously massive! And I've only seen a tiny part of it! Is my future here? Or could it be elsewhere?

I dont feel I want to settle here I'll be honest! And my current role is boring me to say the least! If i dont get the promotion I've been gunning for I shall be a) disappointed and b) leaving!

They say never stay in a job longer than 3 years. I wonder if this counts if you get a promotion?

I do love the job, just the people are driving me crazy. I need young fresh ideas to bounce off.

I dunno. I have a lot to say today!x

A wallow day!

Everyones entitled to a wallow day huh? Well mine is now two days in fairness! All I've done is laze around in my pyjamas watching back to back chick flicks and eating when i can be bothered to move!

I am not usually this lazy I have to say! But once as month for a day or two I give in! I'm sure many of you girls can relate to what time of month that is!!

You know these chick flicks just arent always good for you! Is this why I've been single so long? Is this why I've been single in the first place!

Did I throw away a completely perfect guy because we didnt have "movie love"

He never went out of his way to declare undying love! (Unless he was in trouble)

OK, OK when we fought, he would mention things he COULD do to change, or COULD do that I'd like. But did he ever show up at my house with the ring he'd promised for near on 3 years? No! Did he whisk me away on a foreign holiday whether I paid for myself or not just to "get away from it all" ...again no. Did he make a fool of himself turning up at some event where everyone we know is there to declare he cant live without me and cant believe he'd been such a fool. .....that again would be a no. And did he even change the little things he said he would? You guessed it. Big fat no!

But do guys really do this? I mean honestly and truely DO THEY DO THIS!! In the real world?

I have to say in my experience they dont? And this could purely be because despite what they said or even thought at the time I wasnt the one for them! Empty words is all they dished out because ultimately I wasnt worth more than that? Not in a bad way!! I mean subconsciously I wasnt for them in the long run.

OK I havent had VAST experience! And my taste in men is somewhat.....challenging to say the least! But every guy I split with who was silly enough to want to try again never pulled any of this crap! And i have to say....if they did? Maybe I would be as swept away as the women in the films are! Maybe I would try again! (Not that I didnt in the case of two of them)

I dunno, when i've given a guy a 2nd, 3rd foolishly 4th chance they have been nice? Sure! Theyve taken me for dinner...ok fair enough. But thats crap they should be doing anyway!

Did any of them chase me to stop me going anywhere before they lost me forever? No! And ok in fairness I havent gone anywhere! But thats the point! They havent even showed up where they know I'll be! Or even sent flowers!

Am I expecting too much and thats why I'll always be eternally disappointed? Always eternally wishing I had what these movie girls have?

OR am I just not afraid to want that! And not afraid to wait for that! And if it doesnt come? Well. To hell with it I'll have a bunch of cats! Cats are....ok? ish?

It seems I'm asking for a lot I know. But I have spent a number of years on guys I thought at the time was "the one" but when things began to unravel realised....they werent! They would "just do" you know?

Screw that! Its not what I want. At all!

And if movie love never comes? Then screw that too! I've been spoilt now with all these DVDs that sit before me!

I'm not completely ungrateful! (I'm thinking men reading this are thinking well my dear...this is why youre almost 30 and single!)

But I promise you guys! Most girls want this! Deep down even if they dont realise it! They want this!!!!

My last boyfriend who I was with for over 5 years didnt even have a clue what to get me for my birthday. not one clue! I'm not joking! After 5 years? His excuse being? "He's rubbish at presents"

He'd take me shopping to pick something.

ok ok, thats not as bad as forgetting my birthday I admit! Or not getting me anything at all! True! but after 5 years? He couldnt even think of one single tiny thing I'd like??

You know girls as well as I do its not about money! And flashing the cash! If he'd even bought me my favourite shower gel, chocolate bar and drink I'd be touched he at least KNEW what I liked!! but he had no clue!

I guess I could be single a while longer huh?

But all my boyfriends end up...well like Big on SATC 2! on the couch! Lazy and uninterested despite my efforts to "keep it fresh" because I think ultimately thats what men want. Someone to sit in with! To eat with, to just "be" with. I think men as they get older stop going out so much, especially when they meet "their one" or, just someone they can settle with as I'm not so sure men are as bothered with "the one" as women are in my experience anyway!

But as Carrie said in SATC2, they have chosen you to spend their couch time with you know?

In regards to my ex there are so many many women who would have loved to be the girl he shared the sofa with every night! But I felt was boredom, frustration and resentment at being told to "sssh" as something good was on.

I dunno, I guess the day I'm sitting on the sofa for the 100th time in a row with a man...look over and am just happy to be there with him and nowhere else I will know I have the one? I wont need mad gestures and such? As he'll have enough gestures everyday that let me know I'm the one? And he is too?

Who knows! Here's to over a year over singledom and thank the lord I dont surround my life around being in a relationship! It means when I have one it will be so worth the wait :) xxx

This is me!

So. Hello world! I guess to expect people to read my blogs I have to say a bit about myself?

So this blog will be awkward, and a bit all over the place! But hopefully in a few weeks will begin to come together and make sense. That's my experience of other peoples blogs anyway!

So. Well where to start!

I don't even know what this blog will be about really! Except my life! The life of me! And its ups and downs! Many ups and downs I guess! But hopefully not too many downs thanks!

I am almost 30. Is this why I have decided to start a blog? Who knows! The past ten years have pretty much flown by! Ridiculously! Insanely actually! Crazy!

I have fit many things in, don't get me wrong, but no means were my 20's wasted! No way! But had I known they were going so fast....I may have taken more time to smell the roses! And take a look around at what I was doing! Where I was going, what I'd achieved! And think....ok! This is good! This is not so good! And some things were very baaaad!

But we live and learn! Everyday! That's what I love! And as it flew by so quickly I just want to make sure I capture every second of my 30's!

So where am I at the point of turning 30! Not where I thought I would be that is for damn sure! But that's not in a bad way! Or in the way I expected at all!

Where did I think I'd be? Well...Manager of the office I was working at when I came into my 20's! I was working my way along slowly but surely. Married by now to my then boyfriend turned fiancée and in a house we had bought opposite the flat we were renting.

Ha! Tha'ts quite amusing now looking back :)

And wow! How that all changed before 25 not even 30!

So the office? Well I left the office. I lost my beloved Grandfather back in 2001. He was my dad in effect. And I took it so so badly. I loved him so so much. We all did. He was amazing in every possible way. But something in me changed from then. Suddenly what I was doing wasnt enough anymore and the life I was living was dragging me down.

Around the same time my then fiancée dumped me. Fabulous timing! I don't think even now there has ever been a lower point for me. To build your future around someone for them to one day turn around and say its all over and this life plan you had is never going to be is quite rug being pulled beneath you! I can tell you! And at that age? So young? incomprehensible. I thought we'd always be together, he'd work his way up at the motor firm, I'd work my way up at the office, we'd have this car and that car and we'd get the house across the road.

I guess he wanted more! And I thank god for that now!

As crushed as I was at my world falling apart something in me changed. And I enrolled at university. It took me an extra year to get through as I hadn't stayed on at school. So I had to do a foundation year.

I flew through the foundation year and thought hey this is so easy! So so easy! Ha! Till I started the actual degree! man! Not so easy! But I got through it! And i passed! I didn't get as good a grade as I could have I don't think now! But I got it. I've never been so proud of myself, or my family of me I think.

I learned to drive! Something my granddad had always wanted me to do! Mainly I guess so he didn't have to drive me around! hee hee! Best thing I ever did!

I worked on various different projects on graduating and built up my experience in my chosen career. And really applied myself. But still felt something was missing. So I travelled! I went to Australia! It was amazing and I wish everyday I could live there! Maybe someday I will? Who knows! Amazing place! If you havent been, and you can get there, go immediately! You wont regret it!

I came back to an amazing job opportunity which I took and have been there ever since, for 2 years now! Whilst studying for an MA at the same time. Who'd have thought!

I'm missing a huge chunk of my 20's here I think?! Another boyfriend after the fiancée.

He didn't come along for 2 years after throughout which I went on many disastrous dates! (didn't we all girls ha ha) and could never find "the one" until I met this guy. And "bam" I thought he was the one. Truly.

We had a very.....what I would have called disastrous relationship! Many rows, many breakups, many differences! But looking back it was just two people who did love each other but were scared of their feelings and fiercely protective of their own hearts having been hurt very much in the past.

We got over that after about two years of being crazy! But it wasnt to be and after another 3 years we parted ways. It was hard. We went through a lot to be together but ultimately were headed in different directions.

I was so engrossed in work and study and he felt left out.

I am fiercely independent and not ashamed to say I look after number one in a relationship. This has been since my bad experience with the fair weather fiancée! I don't know if I'll overcome that? Or whether that's how I am for life?

We are still friends (the most recent boyf and I) and he still thinks we'll end up together, but I can't see it.

I probably should also mention my dad left when young, caused a world of hurt to my mum and I have many issues with men related to that! Trust issues ultimately! Not helped by my own personal experiences of relationships over the years!

Another thing I should probably mention also is an anxiety disorder I have which has caused eating disorders in the past and affects my life quite considerably at times to the point I can't leave my bedroom! But leaves me alone at other times so that I can live life! And go to Australia! And all kinds of crazy things!

There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it! And I just have to ride it out as best I can! It throws some salt into the mix anyway if nothing else!

So. Where I'm at, at this exact moment in time!

Almost 30 (yikes) have been single for over a year! With.....2 dates?? None resulting in a second! One of those my choice, the other his! (how can that be ha ha) still at the same job, awaiting results of my MA to see if I will get a promotion, am having friend issues! Friends from school days. Have we grown apart? Do we have anything in common? Am I clinging on for no reason? Am I clinging on for good reason? My anxiety is making a monthly appearance (girls can relate to what that could be dependent on!!) which causes me to not get myself into work! This could result in punishment even sacking if it continues!, I am doing some travel in the summer to celebrate the beginning of my 30's! And now I have no study I can have my life back! This could include my dating life maybe?? ha ha! We'll see!

So follow my journey if you want to! Of the single, slightly crazy, independent career girl who may or may not find love, who may or may not be the downfall of her own career by having silly anxiety issues and who may or may not be complaining when 40 her 30's went too fast too :) I have to learn again who I can trust, who I cant, get myself on that housing ladder, pass my MA and prove I am capable of a promotion and wont let my anxieties tear me down! Easier said than done people! So lets see!