Friendship overhaul

Something I've noticed as I'm nearing the end of my 20's is friendships.

I have spent most of my life so far keeping hold of as many friends as possible. Seriously I'm not kidding! I have done anything and everything to keep friends in my life, bordering on obsession! I just refuse to let friendships fall by the wayside!

Most of my friendships are from school days, some pre school days even. I have literally grown up with these people! And so consider them family pretty much!

Now. This does not mean all of them treat me particularly well I have realised. And the older I get the worse some of them treat me it has to be said!

BUT I don't blame THEM for that?! Why would I?! After all, I'm the one who's always around! Good old reliable me! Always there no matter what! And if they haven't spoken to me in a while, returned my calls or got back to me on when to meet up it doesn't matter! As when they do I'm here waiting and overjoyed to hear from them like a reliable Labrador!

I even put my own relationship second to these friendships. I didn't even consider it an equal relationship, I considered it less important than my friendships.

I was so consumed by panic that I would be considered "one of those girls" who gives up her social life and friends for a man I put him behind all of my friendships. And he used to point out how badly some of them treat me but I wouldn't listen! I just thought it was sour grapes that I was spending time with them and not him.

Now. This in no way reflects all of my friendships. No sirree!!! I am so so lucky in the true friends that I do have. Oh my god one of my friends is the most thoughtful, caring, considerate friend I could ever have the good fortune to have! You couldn't even wish up a greater friend! I'm serious! And I am more than lucky to have more than one of these such people, she is just the most special.

Now friends do come and go out of your life. They do! Its a part of life! And its fine that way. But these friends from school I have always had in my life. But recently I have had to question why?

Is it just because they've always been there? Is it loyalty, a sense of belonging? Who knows?

Over the years things have changed. Some have got married, some have had kids, many have had kids actually, some are now getting divorced or going through messy breakups, some have moved, some have even emigrated! But you know what? The true friends and I mean the true true friends none of that matters. None of it. We will keep in touch by phone, email, social networking or any way we can find! We may not always meet but when we do its like nothing has changed and we speak daily somehow (usually on email!)

But others. Well others! They take the fact when we speak that nothing has changed as a right to treat me however they wish?! And I've always put up with it! Or apologised for the way they treat me!? I've sat and wondered why they've been so mean, so upsetting and not cared? What I've done to make them that way. Its because I let them!

So in this year alone I have already lost 3 long term friends. I say long term not "good" friends because looking at it now I know they're not, and haven't been for a while.

My ex tried to tell me, my family have always tried to tell me! Other good friends have tried to tell me but I wouldn't listen. I just wouldn't have it! These people are more or less family and although it was OK for me to have a bitch and a moan about them it wasn't OK for others you know?!

But one friend I cut out completely when I realised I could no longer trust her at all, and her sole purpose in life was to cause trouble and drama anyway she knew how irrespective of who was hurt along the way.

I had been warned about this person since school days really! But I'd never had reason to not trust her. Or so I thought. Now looking back I had had many warning signs, I just ignored them and turned a blind eye.

Another friend I realised wasn't a true friend was when I had to let her down which I have never done before. I had spent a lot of time and effort on a beautiful card and thoughtful gift that still sit here opposite me. As when I had to let her down she screamed at me in front of people and slammed the phone down. I would never let people down without an insanely good reason which she would know if she knew me, or cared? We have spoken since briefly, I had apologised all I could for having to break our plans and explained my reasons why. I never got an acknowledgement or even an apology for the manner she spoke to me. All I have had since is a text asking about her present. I hope when she receives it she realises how much thought when into it and feels bad for thinking I didn't do everything I could to get there.

Another I had hoped to celebrate her birthday with but who never got back to me with plans. Shes a quiet sort who doesn't always like to make a fuss but knew what I was getting her and arranged me to pop over to deliver it in time. Which I did. Where I found out she had many celebration plans. Just none including me, but other friends.

And you know what? That's OK!! Her other friends have so many more things in common with her than I do, as my friends do me! She maybe didn't want to make plans with me because...well....we don't enjoy any of the same things! None!

Same as the friend I let down. Her celebration was my idea of hell! A living hell! But I still went all out as it was her choice.

Neither ways of celebrating was my idea of fun, and neither probably think mine are! We have nothing in common anymore. At all.

I think I try to keep them in my life for fear I'll have no friends left! On speaking to others this is a common fear! That if we get rid of friends we've always had because they treat us badly or we no longer have a good time with them we'll have no one!

But if these friends were men they'd be long gone! No way would I put up with being let down, yelled at, put down and made to cry I feel so bad about myself! A friendship should be fun and motivational and trusting and love!

Now apart from the trouble making girl it doesn't mean I cant have the others in my life at all! That's just silly! The odd call, social network, or emails are fine! But maybe pressure to keep a friendship going with nights out that one of you hates or dodging making plans (like the birthday girl) isn't necessary! Just accept you are no longer a big part of the persons life and that's that!

If either one of them called me with an emergency id be there without a doubt, and so would they for me I'm sure. It doesn't mean we have to play out a "pretend" enthusiasm in the meantime to keep things going.

I have very few great friends who don't make me feel that way! And by that I mean I could count those friends on one hand! Literally! And I don't get to see them a lot, but when I do I LOVE it and have the best time! Time flies in fact!

And the whole having to stay in more if I don't see these other friends anymore? Well I've kind of decided....staying in isn't so bad! When I go out with the ones I have nothing in common with I have a bad time. One is reliving her youth now her children are growing up and one constantly moans she doesn't want to be out.

Am I truly missing a lot by staying in?? I'm usually clock watching anyway!

It just means the rare nights out I have with my real friends are amazingly great, funny and crazy and keep me buzzing until the next meeting on what antics we'll get up to next! As its about catching up on gossip, relationship's, work and plans for the future. Its not making awkward small talk and trying to talk about other people as a distraction to the fact we have nothing to say anymore. It doesn't have to be a bar or club or cinema or even dinner! It can be round at our houses with a cup of tea and junk food! Just being with them is enough.

And funnily enough the ex who always warned me about the friends who treat me badly?! Ended up being a better friend than some of the old skool friends put together! Isn't life funny!

So I guess what I'm saying is its quality not quantity for me where friendships are concerned! And no longer will I hold on to people who I have nothing in common with or who make me feel bad about myself just because I'm scared to let the familiarity of our relationship go.

I wouldn't settle to be with a man, why should I settle for it in any other areas of my life?xxx