This is me!

So. Hello world! I guess to expect people to read my blogs I have to say a bit about myself?

So this blog will be awkward, and a bit all over the place! But hopefully in a few weeks will begin to come together and make sense. That's my experience of other peoples blogs anyway!

So. Well where to start!

I don't even know what this blog will be about really! Except my life! The life of me! And its ups and downs! Many ups and downs I guess! But hopefully not too many downs thanks!

I am almost 30. Is this why I have decided to start a blog? Who knows! The past ten years have pretty much flown by! Ridiculously! Insanely actually! Crazy!

I have fit many things in, don't get me wrong, but no means were my 20's wasted! No way! But had I known they were going so fast....I may have taken more time to smell the roses! And take a look around at what I was doing! Where I was going, what I'd achieved! And think....ok! This is good! This is not so good! And some things were very baaaad!

But we live and learn! Everyday! That's what I love! And as it flew by so quickly I just want to make sure I capture every second of my 30's!

So where am I at the point of turning 30! Not where I thought I would be that is for damn sure! But that's not in a bad way! Or in the way I expected at all!

Where did I think I'd be? Well...Manager of the office I was working at when I came into my 20's! I was working my way along slowly but surely. Married by now to my then boyfriend turned fiancée and in a house we had bought opposite the flat we were renting.

Ha! Tha'ts quite amusing now looking back :)

And wow! How that all changed before 25 not even 30!

So the office? Well I left the office. I lost my beloved Grandfather back in 2001. He was my dad in effect. And I took it so so badly. I loved him so so much. We all did. He was amazing in every possible way. But something in me changed from then. Suddenly what I was doing wasnt enough anymore and the life I was living was dragging me down.

Around the same time my then fiancée dumped me. Fabulous timing! I don't think even now there has ever been a lower point for me. To build your future around someone for them to one day turn around and say its all over and this life plan you had is never going to be is quite rug being pulled beneath you! I can tell you! And at that age? So young? incomprehensible. I thought we'd always be together, he'd work his way up at the motor firm, I'd work my way up at the office, we'd have this car and that car and we'd get the house across the road.

I guess he wanted more! And I thank god for that now!

As crushed as I was at my world falling apart something in me changed. And I enrolled at university. It took me an extra year to get through as I hadn't stayed on at school. So I had to do a foundation year.

I flew through the foundation year and thought hey this is so easy! So so easy! Ha! Till I started the actual degree! man! Not so easy! But I got through it! And i passed! I didn't get as good a grade as I could have I don't think now! But I got it. I've never been so proud of myself, or my family of me I think.

I learned to drive! Something my granddad had always wanted me to do! Mainly I guess so he didn't have to drive me around! hee hee! Best thing I ever did!

I worked on various different projects on graduating and built up my experience in my chosen career. And really applied myself. But still felt something was missing. So I travelled! I went to Australia! It was amazing and I wish everyday I could live there! Maybe someday I will? Who knows! Amazing place! If you havent been, and you can get there, go immediately! You wont regret it!

I came back to an amazing job opportunity which I took and have been there ever since, for 2 years now! Whilst studying for an MA at the same time. Who'd have thought!

I'm missing a huge chunk of my 20's here I think?! Another boyfriend after the fiancée.

He didn't come along for 2 years after throughout which I went on many disastrous dates! (didn't we all girls ha ha) and could never find "the one" until I met this guy. And "bam" I thought he was the one. Truly.

We had a very.....what I would have called disastrous relationship! Many rows, many breakups, many differences! But looking back it was just two people who did love each other but were scared of their feelings and fiercely protective of their own hearts having been hurt very much in the past.

We got over that after about two years of being crazy! But it wasnt to be and after another 3 years we parted ways. It was hard. We went through a lot to be together but ultimately were headed in different directions.

I was so engrossed in work and study and he felt left out.

I am fiercely independent and not ashamed to say I look after number one in a relationship. This has been since my bad experience with the fair weather fiancée! I don't know if I'll overcome that? Or whether that's how I am for life?

We are still friends (the most recent boyf and I) and he still thinks we'll end up together, but I can't see it.

I probably should also mention my dad left when young, caused a world of hurt to my mum and I have many issues with men related to that! Trust issues ultimately! Not helped by my own personal experiences of relationships over the years!

Another thing I should probably mention also is an anxiety disorder I have which has caused eating disorders in the past and affects my life quite considerably at times to the point I can't leave my bedroom! But leaves me alone at other times so that I can live life! And go to Australia! And all kinds of crazy things!

There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it! And I just have to ride it out as best I can! It throws some salt into the mix anyway if nothing else!

So. Where I'm at, at this exact moment in time!

Almost 30 (yikes) have been single for over a year! With.....2 dates?? None resulting in a second! One of those my choice, the other his! (how can that be ha ha) still at the same job, awaiting results of my MA to see if I will get a promotion, am having friend issues! Friends from school days. Have we grown apart? Do we have anything in common? Am I clinging on for no reason? Am I clinging on for good reason? My anxiety is making a monthly appearance (girls can relate to what that could be dependent on!!) which causes me to not get myself into work! This could result in punishment even sacking if it continues!, I am doing some travel in the summer to celebrate the beginning of my 30's! And now I have no study I can have my life back! This could include my dating life maybe?? ha ha! We'll see!

So follow my journey if you want to! Of the single, slightly crazy, independent career girl who may or may not find love, who may or may not be the downfall of her own career by having silly anxiety issues and who may or may not be complaining when 40 her 30's went too fast too :) I have to learn again who I can trust, who I cant, get myself on that housing ladder, pass my MA and prove I am capable of a promotion and wont let my anxieties tear me down! Easier said than done people! So lets see!