Why do good people suffer?

It has not been a good start to the weekend. At all. And I wonder why it is some people work all their lives, pay their way (and struggle to) and still nothing gets any easier.

I just cant understand why. And it makes me angry and sad at the same time. Especially when there's nothing I can do to help.

My Mum has never had an easy life. Ever. The stories she tells me from her childhood make me so sad. And her adult life wasnt much better either. And I hate it, and hate that she still has to struggle to this day.

Typically she has been sitting on something big. That has no doubt been worrying her to death as she doesnt want to "worry us" with it. I thank the lord and anyone watching over us it is nothing to do with health, and hope and pray it never will be. It is only about money.

It is easy to say "only" about money because money is well....as I say! Just money! We can face it and hopefully come to some kind of solution although at this point I cant see one coming easily. But at least thats all she's been hiding, it isnt life or death.

My brother also is another who struggles. He on the other hand has not always been an angel which he will readily admit. But he has changed his ways, and the way he lives his life yet still attracts bad luck at most corner.

He was out of work for 18 months. Something I know many of you have or are going through at the moment and my heart goes out to you it really does, there is nothing worse than wanting to work but not being given the chance to.

But he started a new job, which he thoroughly enjoys and a few weeks in, his van is broken into. And its not the first time, its the 5th.

Nothing of any worth would or is ever left in any of his vans. He knows better even if he had any! But he doesnt work with tools, if they had a brain cell between them (the thieves) they would realise that by now.

Its not his fault, everyone knows its not but if it keeps happening its his job thats in jepordy. When he is just trying to make an honest living. And its not a massively paid living at that. It seems so unfair.

We have a meeting on Monday to try to resolve mums money problems. I just wish she'd let me in sooner. Dream house may be a pipe dream at the moment now. We shall see.

I hope this is it but as they say it comes in 3's x

Excitedly/Impatiently wating!

I wasnt planning on moving until May time (aka known as.....when credit cards are paid off) but somewhere has popped up that if it works out...is too hard to say no to, and basically I'd be mad to for the sake of a couple of months!

But it is all I can think about, I dream about it, obsess about it, plan about it! I know everything I would put in every room I dont think I've ever been SO excited about anything before!

This will be the first time I live alone. completely alone! And part of that is scary, and part of that is EXCITING! The first time I moved out was with girlfriends, the second time with my partner at the time. This time its just ME and I cannot wait!

This particular place is slightly more than I was expecting to pay BUT is also slightly more (ok a lot more) than I was expecting to get! It is so perfect for me! And the first place I have considered that didnt give me that sicky, knot in the feeling nervous stomach. I feel like I would honestly feel at home there!

I wont know until Monday. It has been an agonising wait as I found out about this place before christmas. The excitement has more than built since then!

And everyone tells me...if its meant to be! And yes...the older I get the more I do believe this admittedly. As looking back anything else that didnt work out...worked out for the best in the end. I'm just so excited! And think I will be greatly disappointed if it doesnt end up working out!

3 more days to wait till I find out!x

This is not the new year new me I had planned!

I was so into making the New Year my professional bitch! I really was.

I was promoted last year but due to the circumstances, and health issues I was unable to make the most of it I feel.

We have new people now at work, fresh eyes, fresh ideas and keen. Exactly how I was when I started all those years ago, and I don't want to lose that!

I have been promoted yet haven't been making my mark! I haven't been dynamic, forceful, out there stamping my name over everything and its time for that to change!

I have always been a fan of the power dressing (fashionably of course!) And plan to keep that up all year round, not just Mon-Thurs and slob on a Friday!

I bought a professional (and rather expensive) diary/organiser. It already made me feel more empowered! I had read up on all the latest updates emailed through and planned to continue to do so instead of being too busy to update myself and filing them all for a "non busy period" that never arrives!

But then....completely unplanned for the day before going back to work I feel unwell. Then really unwell! Then in pain, voice goes and hey presto am unwell!

Urgh!

This does not go with the new power dressing, Filofax carrying me!!

I lost my voice and can barely speak without coughing and smell of Vicks vapor rub and cough syrup.

Day two of the "new start" and I am advised to stay home :(

After my horrific sickness record last year (from an ongoing issue that is being taken care of by the hospital) number one on my priority list was to clean that record UP and be reliable/dependable like I used to be! Everyone relied on me and COULD! The beginning of last year I was an unreliable, crumbling "patient" as someone described me!

I am sad my new start didn't get off how I'd planned. I guess all the best laid plans never think to encounter health! I am dosed up to the eyeballs and hoping to be over it soon.

Maybe next Monday can be my "new start" its only a week later after all!x

Love and the New Year

When you are single...or maybe not just when you are single! You wonder if this new year is the year you will fall in love. You cant help it!

The last two years have proved fruitless on that score! With minimum opportunities for dates! (Average of two a year! This is not good)

But my studies are finally over, which means more space for a social life.

Especially as I am house hunting also. As much as I cannot wait to live on my own (literally cant wait!) you cant help but wonder if it will be long before the house/flat of your own will eventually be shared.

Its not that I'm actively seeking to be honest. I'm not on dating websites, and don't go out on man hunts! But I feel...different. I feel like I am open to the idea now that there is someone out there for me.

I'm not sure what has brought this change on. Maybe time? Maybe a conversation with my ex over Christmas where I realised he has not moved far on since we split and I emotionally have. To me the chapter of "us" is closed. To him it isn't.

A friend of ours didn't help by saying she couldn't help but hope that one day he comes back to sweep me off my feet and we live happily ever after.

I too have this imaginary image of being swept off my feet and living happily ever after....but the man in the image ...it isn't my ex.

And maybe that's another thing that has forced me to think about falling in love again. To prove he isn't the one?! To prove I did do the right thing? To prove there isn't settling or just nothing?

I don't know. But whatever the difference is I like it! Its a less bitter and twisted version of myself who now feels ready for dating, and flirting and meeting people. We shall see how long that lasts of course ;) x

Dreams

I find it so funny that you can not think of someone or something at all for months or even years. It's not longer a factor in your life then a dream of this person will come up and it throws up all the old emotions, feelings, fears, desires. A simple dream that you have no control over, that means nothing (as much as you may want it to!) and that was subconscious.

The dream can be as short as a few seconds, it can be just a glimpse of this person or thing but it can turn your emotions completely upside down so that you are once again wondering, wishing, reminiscing.

And theres nothing you can do about it. It was a dream! It meant nothing even though it appeared to? even though it seemed to be trying to tell you something or convey a hidden message. Even though it was so lifelike and real it MUST have been trying to tell you something!

You wait...in case it did! In case it was a psychic vision of something to come? Of someone that will get in touch, of old emotions being stirred up for not just you but them too. But nothing comes of it. Just stirred up old memories that you thought you had long forgotten and emotions you thought had been shelved.

Its impossible to believe that when this person or thing has not been on your mind at all, in anyway shape or form for the longest time that it doesn't mean anything when they pop up in your dream. That it isn't a sign or in insight of what could be? Why else would your unconscious brain bring this person (or thing lol) back into your thoughts and dreams?

Hard to understand and accept its for no reason at all.x

New Year New Year

Well. Happy New Year firstly to any readers I may have! And I hope it is a good and healthy one for you!

How did it come so quick??! I cant believe 2010 is over already! It seems crazy to me all my plans for 2010 have been and gone! And I don't actually have that many for 2011 yet! A strange yet nice feeling!

I feel as everyone does at New Year I need a change. But I don't yet know in what form.

So far the only change I plan to make is to finally move into my own little place. It was looking very good a while ago for a gorgeous Victorian house nearby but there are some hold ups and was told to expect to hear in January. So...fingers crossed I do!

A new job? Maybe. I have been at my current role three years this year. And I still love it I have to say. I still feel like its new! I don't dread going (well anymore than anyone else when the dreadful alarm goes off in the morning!) I love the people, the work, the challenge and variation. But having qualified in my field I'm not ruling out a new position if it became available and if it were right for me. To get me to move would take a pretty good opportunity! But I'm open to it.

Friends. Well. Sadly I am feeling rather neglected from friends as late. And its not a nice feeling.

It does stem from being single I feel. Many of my friends are now in couples, or at least dating someone. And seem to think that plans made with me are....I'm not sure? Definite? A commitment to do something the evening we arrange? I'm not sure! But three times this week alone I have been let down by two different friends, and one didn't even have the decency to tell me she was now out with her boyfriend and wouldn't be coming over to meet me as arranged. Had I not contacted her I'm not sure Id have heard at all. One friend even let me down for a man new years eve. Not even a current man! An ex.

Its very disheartening to be cast aside by people you never would have cast aside your self.

As discussed previously I'm sure I was in a relationship for just over five years. My friendships never suffered. If anything I worked harder to keep them going, and was always told off for doing so. I thought because he didn't want me to have friends. Now I feel slightly different.

Its not the fact that they would rather spend time with boyfriends. One friend in particular he is the guy she is going to end up with. Without a doubt. So I completely understand of course she wants to be with him most of the time. But to make plans with me in case he's busy? Then not see me if he isn't? I don't think that's fair.

She will no longer make forward plans with me. Only last minute arrangements when I'm guessing he's sprung on her that he's off out unexpectedly. Unfortunately (or not as the case may be!) I usually have plans by this point and cant make it at such late notice. I am then further ignored.

It wouldn't be quite as hurtful if the joys of social networking didn't ensure we can see every ones conversations to everyone else without even having to delve for them! There they are as soon as you login! And she can make forward plans with other couples. Its just me she's unable to.

So. New friends? Not quite as easy is it the older you get!

Romance? Well judging by 2009 and 2010 this is not an option! I think I have safely decided that love isn't for me at the moment. I just don't seem to be in a place where I meet anyone I like and when I do it has turned out two out of three they have girlfriends (which they had not mentioned!)

Its hard not to lose faith in love when you're single and see the way in which men are allowed to treat women (sorry women you do allow it once you're aware its happening if you continue to see them!) Anyone watching Mark Wrights antics on The Only Way is Essex will be nodding in agreement!

Its also hard when you're no longer at an age you want to go clubbing, nor should be I fear! You don't have many girlfriends to go out with anymore as they have crazy work schedules, children, husbands etc. And when I do get to go out with the girls its been so long I want to catch up with them! I'm not interested in chasing men!

Well they say when you're not looking they appear! So I'll keep you posted on that one! I've all but given up hope and accepted my shelf life :) (I shall have a rather fabulous glitzy shelf though I'd like to add!)

Relocation? Along with the house and job situation there is also the acceptance that maybe I feel so blue and left out and on a shelf! because everyone around me has moved on. Be that with family, marriage, almost marriage, mortgages, careers, abroad. Maybe its time for me to move on? As in completely! My ex is always round the corner no matter what I do rearing his head to guilt trip me at any chance he gets and to ask if I'm making the right decision by refusing to get back with him! (yes)

Everything I know is here, in this tin pot town and everyone seems to have found their place in it or moved on. Maybe its time I thought about doing the same?x