My dog-My best friend

I cannot begin to explain the amount of heartache and pain I am in at this moment in time.

When Tilly* came into my life I knew the moment I meant her she was meant for me. An instant bond you could say. She was the cutest, funniest little character I had ever come across! My heart just melted!

She continued to be the cutest and most hilarious character the older she got. When she first arrived she was a timid soul, and petrified of men. A year in she was running the household and bossing everyone around with her "doggy" demands! It was comical to watch, and I believe only other pet owners can understand the personalities these animals take on!

We are not an emotion showing family. We don't hug, we don't say I love you etc. It doesn't mean we don't FEEL loved! We're just not all about saying it. But she changed all that. We couldn't shower her with enough love because she was a cuddly dog, she had to be with someone, couldn't sit without sitting on or next to someone, she was the most affectionate dog I'd ever known and she made us that way. She brought us together with our shared love of her and sharing the comical things she had done that day or when we hadn't been around.

When I or another member of the household was ill she would not leave your side. At all! She would park herself on the end of the bed from first thing in the morning until mum got home in the evening when she'd jump down to greet her and shepherd her upstairs to visit the poorly!

She would greet all of us when we got home as if we'd been to war and she never thought we'd make it home! She played, entertained, snuggled, amused and was always centre of attention.

At times I snapped at her, for barking, or whining when not necessary. I was even embarrassed of her at times when she was the only dog that wouldn't sit nicely at the vets, or howled outside the shop while we waited for mum to come out, or whine in the car because she was so excited to get wherever we were going, or sneakily run off when I just thought I'd got her when out running in the fields to terrorise other well behaved dogs (much to their owners disdain! Luckily she was only usually as big as the other dogs paws)but no matter how much she had been told off, or if you'd snapped when she really probably hadn't deserved it but you were having a no patience day, she loved you anyway. She loved all of us, like we were the most amazing beings she had ever met. Complete unconditional love. No matter what had gone on in your day at work, at home, personal life, she was there to pick up the pieces. She would just sense your upset and sit for hours, she'd even lick the tears from your face.

She was tiny but she was loud, sounded like an elephant was upstairs and had no manners just cheek! She had endless dog beds but the only beds she ever slept on were ours! And despite her tiny frame somehow we ended up huddled in a corner whilst she spread out across the rest!

She melted the hearts of everyone who met her. By everyone she was loved. You couldn't help it! She was a comedian in a cute dog disguise. And now my heart is broken because she was taken from us far far too soon. Although I'm sure no matter when she had to leave us it would never have been her time as far as we were concerned.

After becoming ill such a short time ago, and us and her amazing vets trying every treatment possible she passed away peacefully yesterday at home with my mum at her side. I could not make it back in time, but take solace in the fact she was with someone who loved her as much if not more than I, and having spent all of the previous evening with her I hope she knew how much I cared.

To not be able to return the favour of never leaving her side while she was ill was heartbreaking. But being a human not a dog it isn't possible! We have to work to keep these amazing animals and I just so hope she never felt cheated she'd looked after me so many times over the years and I couldn't return the favour as much as I wanted to.

They say life goes on. And it sure does. But ours is so empty now. So quiet, so dull, so bland, and we've lost the little beacon of love we had in our home that kept us all together. I feel almost like I wont know what to talk to my family about now she's gone as I'm sure she is all we've ever talked about since she arrived.

I hope she knows how unbelievably loved she was, and will always be. I hope we made her an inch as happy as she made us. I never knew such love could be possible until I had her in my life.

She was never a tie, never a burden, she was a joy and I am so sad that she became so unwell and had to leave us but thank god that she did not suffer for long and was in no pain.

She knew how heart rending the decision would have been for us if we'd had to make it and she made it for us. I just wish we could have had her a bit longer, I wasn't ready to let her go yet.

I know people will think "its just a dog" and will never understand the loss we feel but I can only say to think that, you have probably never had a pet. They make a house a home. And we will be so lost and empty without her.xxx

Friend or foe?

Friends are supposed to be the support network you turn to in times of need. But what if they turn into the people that cause the upset you need support through?

Last night I received a txt from a friend that if she had had all the facts she would not have sent, and beings she didnt have all the facts uspet me more because it could have potentially been bad news.

It was of course regarding the previously mentioned pull and push boy! And the fact he was spotted out on a date.

My friend was not to know I had advised pull and push boy to push off for good over a week ago. So the manner in which this txt came through, smug, condicending and almost overjoyed at delivering the said news was nothing short of hurtful.

I couldnt care less about pull and push boy, as I dont spend time dating men who arent quite sure if they want to date me or not, but I do care that my "friend" thought we were dating and chose to tell me in the way that she did that apparently we werent!

I cant understand a "friend" who would find it funny to deliver possible bad news. She apparently thought we were a couple! So is that really the way you would tell a friend that you have seen their "boyfriend" on a date with someone else?

I have made many excuses over the years for her behaviour towards me, her bullying, her cattiness, her put downs, and everything else inbetween. We have been friends since school and its "just how she is" but recently the excuses arent even washing with me.

Waking up sad over a boy is unfortunately sometimes normal when dating....you meet a lot of frogs on the way to the prince, but waking up sad over a friends behaviour? Is not ok.x

Dating - the pull and push game!

And i'm not talking about some weird sexual game! I mean why do men do the pull you in then push you away game?! Its SO frustrating and so unnecessary!?

They either like us or they dont? Surely its that simple?! How can it be any more complicated than that?! Yet they make it more complicated!

Is it because they dont know if they like us really? (In which case dont use the pulling in tactics of how much you like us! Are thinking about us etc) or does someone else catch their eye? Or they want to keep their options open and thats why they push away suddenly?! Its random!

I bumped into a guy I used to date MANY years ago! When we were much younger. We've ran into each other a few times over the years but have always been in relationships. This time we were both single! So we swopped numbers and said we'd catch up. Before I'd even made it back to my desk he had txtd, and continued to txt the whole day. He txtd the next morning how he couldnt stop thinking about me etc etc blah blah you get the lines! But then went quiet leading up to our date. I just assumed he'd gone off the idea...or worse....probably hadnt been single after all! And right on time evening of the date he cancelled because of "work"

Not a problem, it was expected!

I didnt hear for a week or so then he reappeared again! Txt txt txt, keen keen keen. Just so bizarre!

We did eventually meet up, then met up four times afterwards. Always went well, had a giggle, no awkward silences, cheeky snog at the end etc and his txts inbetween got flirtier and cheekier. The vanished again! (yes getting boring now)

He does work a lot and does work shifts but as far as I know still has the same phone he uses when hes keen and txtn all the time from yes...the same job miraculously!

So I gave it up as a bad job! I dont play games! I dont have time for it! If a guy liked me he'd let me know? Or at least be consistent. So that was that.

Oh apart from some 3am txts asking if I was up a few times which needless to say were ignored!!

I then went on a girls night, he was in a bar nearby and heard we were out so turned up (crashed) with some of his friends and blatantly came over and asked me why i'd gone so cold and "not interested"

Is this boy serious??!!

I explained that as far as I was aware I hadnt changed, but when someone doesnt reply to my message or call I dont keep trying?! And he'd left it weeks APART from 3am txts which of COURSE would be ignored as I am not, nor ever have been a booty call! He looked sheepish at that and apologised for those saying he was drunk, and hey havent we all done that at 3am.


He had no excuse for his random vanishing acts. He tried a lot of them though! work.....(would be valid if he messaged on the four days a week he has off!!) ex's.......work again......the past.....he'd been ill....blah! No solid concrete reasons! but said he felt it had been going well and had really enjoyed where it was going so would like to start again. Seemed fair enough. (stupidly!)

And fair enough after I left he was messaging, and the following day and days after and a date was arranged for this weekend which he seemed, at the time, really keen about. But you guessed it! In the days leading up to the said date he's gone silent again!

So. Again. What is with the pull and push game! WHY come out to crash girls night to sort things out (apparently) just to vanish again at the last minute! Why be ridiculously over keen then vanish?! Is it a commitment phobia thing (i'm guessing yes) is it a juggling too many girls he cant keep up thing (possibly but its not like after 4 dates we're "exclusive" its ok if he wants to date other people!) or is it just he's a douche! (definitely!)

We have a history, there is absolutely NO reason why he cant be honest with me! And I told him at the club if he's decided we're better off "friends" that is totally fine!! Just because you like hanging out with a female doesnt mean you have to date them. We got back in touch, we caught up, it doesnt mean we have to date! We CAN just be friends! It's ok!

So needless to say if this date is cancelled I wont be arranging anymore! I dont think its too much to ask for consistency?! Maybe this is why I dont date often!x

How do boys do this????

Please tell me how boys can turn sane, independent, confident, self assured women into nutbars! Seriously!

I have been having this conversation now for the last week or so with various girlfriends who are currently on the dating scene.

Now let me tell you these girls are amazing! And not just because they're my friends! They really are! They are gorgeous, independent, self assured, confident, succesful women! They are beautiful, intelligent and so much fun to be around. Yet when a boy arrives in their lives. It turns them into turmoil!

He said this what did it mean? He txtd I replied but he didnt txt back? He txtd me everyday then stopped, he's answered someone on facebook but ignored me etc etc etc!

Now my girls THANKFULLY know not to go all crazy chick and start harassing these poor guys to death! (Well....so they tell me ;) ) but we all agreed we can seriously see how some may convince themselves its the way to go!

We have "rules" which may seem pathetic and childish! But I think are to gain some control! Rule one never txt first! Hence the hours, days waiting for txts! Some think there are no rules now! Just txt! etc etc! But we have a theory that if you're the one to do all the chasing in the beginning, you will end up being the chaser throughout.

But HOW do these boys arrive in our lives and cause such chaos! And confusion, self doubt! Make a confident girl suddenly check her phone every 5 mins for a txt, IM, BBM, email, FB message ARGGHHH! too many ways to be contacted nowadays!

But all in all the waiting around, wondering, butterflies, expectation is pretty fun :) x

Why do good people suffer?

It has not been a good start to the weekend. At all. And I wonder why it is some people work all their lives, pay their way (and struggle to) and still nothing gets any easier.

I just cant understand why. And it makes me angry and sad at the same time. Especially when there's nothing I can do to help.

My Mum has never had an easy life. Ever. The stories she tells me from her childhood make me so sad. And her adult life wasnt much better either. And I hate it, and hate that she still has to struggle to this day.

Typically she has been sitting on something big. That has no doubt been worrying her to death as she doesnt want to "worry us" with it. I thank the lord and anyone watching over us it is nothing to do with health, and hope and pray it never will be. It is only about money.

It is easy to say "only" about money because money is well....as I say! Just money! We can face it and hopefully come to some kind of solution although at this point I cant see one coming easily. But at least thats all she's been hiding, it isnt life or death.

My brother also is another who struggles. He on the other hand has not always been an angel which he will readily admit. But he has changed his ways, and the way he lives his life yet still attracts bad luck at most corner.

He was out of work for 18 months. Something I know many of you have or are going through at the moment and my heart goes out to you it really does, there is nothing worse than wanting to work but not being given the chance to.

But he started a new job, which he thoroughly enjoys and a few weeks in, his van is broken into. And its not the first time, its the 5th.

Nothing of any worth would or is ever left in any of his vans. He knows better even if he had any! But he doesnt work with tools, if they had a brain cell between them (the thieves) they would realise that by now.

Its not his fault, everyone knows its not but if it keeps happening its his job thats in jepordy. When he is just trying to make an honest living. And its not a massively paid living at that. It seems so unfair.

We have a meeting on Monday to try to resolve mums money problems. I just wish she'd let me in sooner. Dream house may be a pipe dream at the moment now. We shall see.

I hope this is it but as they say it comes in 3's x

Excitedly/Impatiently wating!

I wasnt planning on moving until May time (aka known as.....when credit cards are paid off) but somewhere has popped up that if it works out...is too hard to say no to, and basically I'd be mad to for the sake of a couple of months!

But it is all I can think about, I dream about it, obsess about it, plan about it! I know everything I would put in every room I dont think I've ever been SO excited about anything before!

This will be the first time I live alone. completely alone! And part of that is scary, and part of that is EXCITING! The first time I moved out was with girlfriends, the second time with my partner at the time. This time its just ME and I cannot wait!

This particular place is slightly more than I was expecting to pay BUT is also slightly more (ok a lot more) than I was expecting to get! It is so perfect for me! And the first place I have considered that didnt give me that sicky, knot in the feeling nervous stomach. I feel like I would honestly feel at home there!

I wont know until Monday. It has been an agonising wait as I found out about this place before christmas. The excitement has more than built since then!

And everyone tells me...if its meant to be! And yes...the older I get the more I do believe this admittedly. As looking back anything else that didnt work out...worked out for the best in the end. I'm just so excited! And think I will be greatly disappointed if it doesnt end up working out!

3 more days to wait till I find out!x

This is not the new year new me I had planned!

I was so into making the New Year my professional bitch! I really was.

I was promoted last year but due to the circumstances, and health issues I was unable to make the most of it I feel.

We have new people now at work, fresh eyes, fresh ideas and keen. Exactly how I was when I started all those years ago, and I don't want to lose that!

I have been promoted yet haven't been making my mark! I haven't been dynamic, forceful, out there stamping my name over everything and its time for that to change!

I have always been a fan of the power dressing (fashionably of course!) And plan to keep that up all year round, not just Mon-Thurs and slob on a Friday!

I bought a professional (and rather expensive) diary/organiser. It already made me feel more empowered! I had read up on all the latest updates emailed through and planned to continue to do so instead of being too busy to update myself and filing them all for a "non busy period" that never arrives!

But then....completely unplanned for the day before going back to work I feel unwell. Then really unwell! Then in pain, voice goes and hey presto am unwell!

Urgh!

This does not go with the new power dressing, Filofax carrying me!!

I lost my voice and can barely speak without coughing and smell of Vicks vapor rub and cough syrup.

Day two of the "new start" and I am advised to stay home :(

After my horrific sickness record last year (from an ongoing issue that is being taken care of by the hospital) number one on my priority list was to clean that record UP and be reliable/dependable like I used to be! Everyone relied on me and COULD! The beginning of last year I was an unreliable, crumbling "patient" as someone described me!

I am sad my new start didn't get off how I'd planned. I guess all the best laid plans never think to encounter health! I am dosed up to the eyeballs and hoping to be over it soon.

Maybe next Monday can be my "new start" its only a week later after all!x